Lecture

A man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he walked unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

Turn to Your neighbour

Pastor: Turn to your left and tell your neighbour that it shall be permanent.

Brother In Law

Mr. Ogbonna was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),and taken quickly in for heart surgery.

One evening after work, koloko drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.

Zulus

An aeroplane was about to crash when the pilot announced that the plane is overloaded and people are going to be thrown out in alphabetical order.

The Game

A boy enters a barber shop the barber whispers to his customer, this boy is very dumb, let me prove it to you.

Next Week's Sermon

A Pastor told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach on the sin of lying.

Dr. Ugochi

The famous Dr. Ugochi was sent on call to the scorching Sahara desert.

Naming

Son: Mum, why did Aunt Bisi name her daughter Gold?

Wahala is

When the person interviewing you at your new job is the same guy you insulted in traffic.
You go apologise tire.

Drunk in the Cinema

Drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema, all cozy & in love sudenly he fell asleep, and when he woke up he started shouting so loudly;

Bridge Jump

Dogo and Akpos were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I go bet you N1000 he go jump," said Dogo. "I go Bet you N1000 he won't," said Akpos.

Major James Monitoring

Major James has been monitoring d movement of his only daughter recently. In fact, he first picks her calls to confirm d identity of d caller before handing over the phone to her after thorough screening.

But on one faithful day, her boyfriend called & major picked d call as usual.

Major: hello! may I know u?

Under the Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The Most Stupid

Mr Azu and his friend Oko were arguing about their sons. Mr Azu said his son was more foolish than Oko's son, but Oko disagreed so they decided to prove it.

Methaphor

Teacher: Class Please use a methaphor in a sentence.

Hot Water Phone

A friend's calabar house girl was answering her phone while cooking and the phone fell into boiling hot water.

The One Above

2 Choir members were Being Intimate under a tree, not knowing, a smoker was up on the tree hiding & smoking.

I cheated

Amo - (to her boyfriend) I cheated.

FAVORITE FLOWER

Teacher: "Akpos, what is your favorite flower?".
Akpos: "Krysantomanus esculanta"

PLS TAKE COVER

Ekaitte writes to her boyfriend - Akpors:

Dear my dearest Akpors

This is your girlfriend calling. Before I go on, how is your air condition?

You do something I dont like at all. You take another girlfriend & it pains me.

Not in touch

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a

man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

FURTHER MATHS

TEACHER: If you have 10 doughnuts and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?

AKPOS: 10 doughnuts.

Tues 21st Aug 2012 News

* FG to go after Boko Haram financiers, strategists http://t.co/HmJyV7ud".
* PDP, ACN bicker over Okupe http://t.co/Q8QfwIoW"
* Police begin probe of alleged suicide by corporal after shooting wife, 2 daughters http://t.co/nKlSEwMy".

Library Book Return

Akpos returns a book to the library, bangs it on the counter and Yells, "I read this entire novel; there are too many names of people and no story at all"

Mosquito

A young mosquito went out flying for the first time in its life. When It came back,
the father asked,
"how was It out there & how did u feel?"

Imagining

Teacher asks the class: students, imagine you are at Ikeja bus stop

Thou Shall Not Lie

A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

What you eat in your Country

In England,a Nigerian was chewing bone after eating a meal.

Stolen Car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken
in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal,
even the accelerator," he cried out.

8 WOMEN MEN SHOULDN'T DATE.

 Men have the gift of spotting baggage- carriers from afar off, as well as the skill to avoid them.
Well, most men… If you’re one of the helpless souls who do not, here are the 8 types of women that
no young Nigerian man should date. At all.

Sugar Test

Akpos goes into a chemist, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist's assistant."Could you taste this, please?"

News Bits 18-AUG-2012

* 'Boko Haram wears the face of religion but it is political' http://t.co/IipYLLY7". * Divine intervention saves kidnap victim from abductors http://t.co/EloMHlgz".
* Driver, 28, pleads guilty for stealing madam's car http://t.co/QY5p09Ga".
* Separation won't remove all our misfortunes' http://t.co/NqJWFTRo". * Jonathan's survival depends on him – Eichie http://t.co/9EF0Ffmn".
* Uduaghan urged to develop Aniocha South http://t.co/XPoktDC1".
* The Premier League returns tomorrow. THIS should get you pumped -> http://t.co/zg0F6DnC" :D \=D/. * Nigerians lament the new import duty on flour
*small scale bakers may close shops http://t.co/7oKHRLRi".
* Raising Nigeria's education standard needs maximum approach http://t.co/q4eSE5Yz". * Zuma expresses shock over masscare of more than 36 mine workers http://t.co/NPcOF0hv". * Using BlackBerry 7.1? Learn about a new feature: Application Resource Monitor. Read about it ... http://t.co/SuAEzVrO".
* Be your brothers' keeper, Mark urges Nigerians http://t.co/ghN1ORAS" u nko?
* Unless we pray, there won't be election in 2015, foretell White Witches http://t.co/6xUs2FfD". * 938 persons kidnapped in 8 months in South East – CD http://t.co/jKeVJ1A1"@ least.
* Ex-Enugu governor, Chimaroke Nnamani, is alive -Associates - http://t.co/MK088XeB http://t.co/Bn9F239W".
* Gunmen kill former Shehu of Borno's secretary http://t.co/xjFbFpvM".
* Okene killings: Security beefed up around suspects as police begin interrogation http://t.co/Bk10exSA".
* Why I didn't retire Abacha before I left http://t.co/mjOcUHWO".
* Why we applied to UN, AU for recognition – Onwuka http://t.co/CKyN03PV".
* Local government leeches http://t.co/xyDk9FhG".
* Major declaration of independent Bakassi will soon be made http://t.co/QXCVqG2G". * Bayelsa Flag and Coat-of-Arms http://t.co/G8Wn9cvb".
* ASUU boss brutalised as RSUST VC crisis deepens http://t.co/yzvdxbiC".
* PPM issue lingers nationwide http://t.co/vSUlVALO". * Tension in Bayelsa as JTF gunboat, passenger boat collide http://t.co/oA9zCWig"
* PHCN: NLC commences solidarity strike next Wednesday http://t.co/y3w8H2Ee". * Jonathan must be seen to be decisive else Nigeria is gone, says Gen Ikpomwen http://t.co/BI9eJPmG".
* Nigerians speak on Ogoni, Bakassi political autonomy http://t.co/yPDQrvtw".
* Fear grips Enugu community as Fulani herdsmen kill 2 teenagers http://t.co/g2KFIBd4".
* 15 students paraded over illegal possession of army uniform http://t.co/x44Y8XBt". * Structuring Nollywood: The MOPICON option http://t.co/0U7GKEpA"e wan spoil o
* Ex Nollywood actress battles breast cancer http://t.co/wudvpr05".
* Bolt under pressure to break up with girlfriend http://t.co/yHLpgfOb"he wan run.

Successful Sons

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

419

Mr. 419: Hello, how are you?
Ayo:Fine. Pls, who am I speaking with?
Mr. 419: Haba, don't you remember me? Who do you know in UK dat could be calling?
(Sensing a scam, I threw in a trap…)
Ayo: Johnson! Is that you? (Meanwhile,I don't know any Johnson in UK.) (Thinking it's a break, he swallows the bait)

News Update 17-AUG-2012

»National:
*Proposed strike:
FG, Labour meeting deadlocked
*ACN urges Jonathan to sack Okupe
*Oyerinde:
Oshiomhole wants FG to probe Police, SSS contradictions
*Intrigues as Ijesa chief's trial resumes
*Police reform:
Minister says the Presidential Committee is going beyond its brief
*FG Reiterates readiness to discuss with Boko Haram
*Dana coroner:
Plane examined for 12 mins before flight – Witness
*Explosion rocks Ogoniland
*Olubolade rejects advice to scrap Police Ministry
*FAAC withdraws $1bn as excess Crude Account rises to $7.5bn
*FG improves Gas supply to PHCN, NIPP Plants
*Subsidy:
FG Pays N42.6bn to 31 Marketers
*Army Chief:
Ihejirika says "Our efforts are paying off", insists "we must stamp out Terrorism"
*2015:
PDP yet to decide on Jonathan's fate – Babatope
*Jonathan raises white paper panel on police reform report
*Nigeria, India to review air service agreement
*Pension Reforms:
Okonjo-Iweala seeks partnership with ICPC
*Lagos task force persecuting us – Landowners
*ASUU slams Elechi over Ebonyi varsity name-change
*NSCDC arrests five, recovers petrol stored in sacks
*Ogun PDP asks court to sack Oyinlola as party's national secretary
*Alamieyeseigha drums support for state police
*Onitsha traders protest demolition of structures by govt
*PHCN workers call off strike
*Why we are holding talks with Boko Haram – FG
*CBN to issue N71bn Treasury bills
*Nigeria to be included in JP Morgan index
*Govt, gas firms step up stable power bid, to clear N26b debt
*Govt warns masterminds of explosion in Ogoni
*Govt borrowed N42.67b to pay fuel subsidy, says Okonjo-Iweala
*NYSC:
Police deploy bomb detectors to schools, hostels
*Don blames mass failure in WAEC on poor funding of schools
*Deeper Life Okene Attacks:
Human Rights Group claims 'The police arrested the victims not the terrorists'
*Multi-year tariff will end epileptic power supply – Orji
*Gombe releases N120m for scholarship
*Kogi NUT threatens strike
*Constituency petitions INEC against Taraba Deputy Speaker
*CBN cracks down on financial terrorism
*Benue lawmakers seek commissioner's sack
*Man killed over PHCN bill
*Drug abuse in children is on increase – Imo NDLEA
*Kidnapped Judge regains freedom in Delta state
»Foreign:
*Mitt Romney says he paid 'at least 13 percent' in taxes annually for past 10 years
*20,000 Pairs of Fake Designer Shoes Seized In US
*ECOWAS Parliament averted deportation of Nigerians from Ghana
*e-bay bans sale of magic spells and potions
*Tight security for Chelsea million-man party
*HSBC assisting US in tax evasion probe
*'ICC competent to try Gbagbo'
*Pakistan frees 55 Indians
*Argentine ex-president on trial for bribery
*ECOWAS troops only welcome in north – Mali
*Families of slain Iranian scientists sue Israel
*West reneging on Syria deal – Russia
*WikiLeaks:
Ecuadorian Foreign Minister Ricardo Patiño says WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, has been granted asylum in Ecuador as he wants to avoid being sent to Sweden to face sexual assault allegations
»Entertainment:
*Nelson Mandela's grandson kicks wife out after DNA test reveals "Son" is His Brother's
*CNN Anderson Cooper calls off engagement with GAY Partner, Ben Maisani, over alleged cheating
*Latest Trending News:
Baby #7 on the way for 2Face as Annie Macaulay is pregnant
*Banky W and Wizkid in alleged US fraud scandal as Wizkid's cancelled California concert stirs angry fans
*Woman Burns 9-year-old House girl in buttocks & private with electric iron
*Son defiles stepmother, claims he was seduced; father confused on whose side to be
*Rihanna opens up to Oprah about Chris Brown: "I lost my best friend"
*Bobby Brown checks himself into rehab for alcohol addiction
*Durbar Festival cancelled
*Husband seeks divorce from fetish wife as she tells court "My husband doesn't want more children, so he pours semen on my stomach"

Punctuation

An English Professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

Art Class drawing

During an Art Class
Teacher: Class Please draw a goat eating Grass.
Akpos: Aunty, should we ....

PRESS

Akpos walked into a political rally and saw a beautiful young lady journalist with a badge on her chest reading 'PRESS'

News Tit Bit 15 AUG 2012 Part 2

* Zinox to begin production of decoders http://t.co/zcKsfCMX".
* Institutions charged to sensitise students on IFRS adoption http://t.co/ooe9MwbZ".

* Address effects of oil exploration, C'River tells FG http://t.co/KcJFFiB5"

* FG set to check expatriate quota abuses http://t.co/N5lKlL43".

* Sterling Bank restates commitment to entrepreneurial development http://t.co/QOYbJdOe".

* World Bank report on Nigeria's investment climate http://t.co/6Gyp03SP".

* RIM begins training of Nigerian app developers http://t.co/Xj11nYTF".

* Etisalat extends Internet coverage to 22 cities http://t.co/OtXunrYl.

* RSL gets FMBN approval to disburse N411m http://t.co/2WEyqMwP.

* Domestic debt rises to N6.153tn http://t.co/SBOq6SGk".
* Bank customers welcome new policy on cheque clearance http://t.co/W4ztcqi2".

* Multilinks, Starcomms, MTS in merger talks http://t.co/uQcTLD3I" B4 nko.

* LP chieftain threatens to sue Jonathan http://t.co/AphhckAA".
* Nigeria's 2020 dream unrealistic – ASUU http://t.co/WnVEsCmc".
* Subsidy savings: FG, states, LGs share N248.85bn http://t.co/T3ataLhc".

* Sack sports minister, directors for failing Nigeria — Chukwumerije http://t.co/IBmWVQZi".

* Black American mayors for Badagry Festival http://t.co/qIVqv9iq".

* Community, Mobil report oil spill in Ibeno, Akwa Ibom http://t.co/em1jdDnP".

* Orhii and the battle against counterfeit drugs http://t.co/eIJd3I2Z".

* Students sue for losses during lecturers' strike http://t.co/WJnMIpit.

* Brent hits three-month top above $114 on supply worries http://t.co/GP0Ary2b".

* National Emergency Management Agency officials trapped in Shendam, as bridge linking Plateau, Nasarawa and Taraba states collapses.".
* NATCOMS to host telecom subscribers summit http://t.co/3vwWdSFS".

* Blame NSC for Team Nigeria's woes – Ajunwa http://t.co/T42ZFF4I" yes na.

* Islam against bombing campaign, says Don http://t.co/Bye16Iyu".

* Consumer Protection Council seals four filling stations in Aba for allegedly selling adulterated fuel, hands over attendants to police.".

* Bomb blast kills three in Kaduna http://t.co/WeLXXsr9".

* Scrap Police Affairs Ministry – Presidential C'ttee http://t.co/t2xmBCh7".

* The Nation - Retired IGPs meet Jonathan on security http://t.co/ATgG6jhB".

* Flooding kills at least 28; wrecks homes, bridges and farmland in Jos http://t.co/Y1uIlEK5 via @vanguardngrnews @mobilepunch @channels_tv".

* Police recover 996 IEDs in Kano http://t.co/gAaxH61R".

* Jonathan should not resign - OPC http://t.co/TXV3Lxxh".

* First session: Senate, strong in motions, weak in bills http://t.co/yp5FvHS9".

* ANPP blames FG for Olympics failure http://t.co/DqvwIX6o".
* Strike paralyses academic activities at Rivers Varsity http://t.co/pRQr8l9f".

* Residents flee Damaturu, troops call for calm http://t.co/BwnbwagG".

* Osayande committee rejects state police http://t.co/EymwJexh".

* Two suspected bombers killed by own explosives on Ali Akilu Road in Kaduna, police spokesman, Abubakar Balpeh says".

* Lagos restricts use of facebook, twitter http://t.co/9hE01Dog".

News Bites 15th Aug 2012

* 20 Nigerians,11 organisations get Productivity Awards http://t.co/ceeUymgF".

* SERIAL KILLINGS: Another cyclist hacked to death in Enugu community http://t.co/v2i5vywU".
* Boko Haram not religious group – Junaid Mohammed http://t.co/13pR2SNm".

* Two Niger State traditional rulers crushed to death http://t.co/kffDvhoi".

* Fake voter-registration in Ondo – INEC http://t.co/5vuJadt9".

* Wada advises Christians against avenging Kogi church attack http://t.co/j50IvOAm".
* NBA asks FG to call Ogoni, Bayelsa govt to order http://t.co/mZ0P8Su8".

* Jos Crisis: Right group seeks ICC's intervention http://t.co/edPYun1r".

* Edo PDP: The centre can no longer hold http://t.co/FNab3G0F" hehehehe!!

* We went to sleep after Atlanta '96 – Falilat Ogunkoya http://t.co/aCPQuORR".

* Nsukka group insists on creation of Adada State http://t.co/jkboBLkl".

* Glo tasks Eagles to make Nigeria proud http://t.co/IiTkfvai" hope dem hear?

* Police Inspector, 2 suspects die in gun duel http://t.co/UU2cTFqF".

* NASA: Five new photos of Mars from Curiosity rover http://t.co/bEb5cF6i".

* Dana crash: Victim's corpse 'disappears' in morgue http://t.co/gNFfqIp9" :/.

* Okupe denies ACN's accusation, points at Ikuforiji http://t.co/85x3CcGI".

* Guinean, Ivorian athletes join defection train http://t.co/i4fPiFof".

* Youths express frustration over situation in Nigeria http://t.co/0JtGA2Pa".

* Woman arraigned for hiring soldiers to beat up co-tenant http://t.co/ZUAKm6HP"

Eating Chocolate

Chukumah was in a taxi eating chocolate,then he took another one and another, there was an old man sitting next 2 him who said

New Bits

* Politics without bitterness in Edo http://t.co/ax9OgxB7". * Stop linking us with Boko Haram, say Fulani herdsmen http://t.co/S1k73Vic". * Alleged witchcraft: Ekiti monarch denies links with woman's death http://t.co/S1iAbqdq". * Resign for peace sake, Lam Adesina urges Jonathan http://t.co/qCvn8BhV". * 'Security votes, hajj sponsorship avenues to steal' http://t.co/tUb9cqm0". * Police can't find $620,000 bribe cash http://t.co/W91LujrM". * Why Northern govs oppose state police http://t.co/OhvWuLtf". * Doctor arrested for allegedly removing patient's kidneys http://t.co/HEb93k7G". * OLYMPICS: "No gold, no silver, no bronze, N2.3 bn down the drain" http://t.co/cDFoRXJO" una dey hear? * Poor funding stalls audit of FG's account http://t.co/PhPkgq4i" :/. * Suspected cultist stabs friend to death in Warri http://t.co/7bZDzwa2". * Police, Army deny manhandling Kogi church attack suspects http://t.co/vwaVYG8r". * Police in Edo arrest bank cashier over NUT chairman's murder http://t.co/iLsprhhO". * Ibadan monarch, elders sent me to dislodge Akala from Govt House – Alli http://t.co/dIH3UJ5k". * Sexual harassment: Ebonyi threatens to sanction lecturers http://t.co/uweMz8Yt". * Police expose sales girl who disappeared with master's N.5m http://t.co/K3oV7SMQ". * 2016 Olympics could be worse – Egbuchunam http://t.co/knjxry8O".pass dis one? * NAFDAC proposes life jail for drug offenders http://t.co/UkIJKHEe" better. * FG sets 5 year rural ICT dev plan through USPF http://t.co/jSLoiOgF".

Where are your kids?

A man ordered for a voice automated car that does anything he tells it to do.
He got the car and started sending it on errands.
He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was tired.
The man agreed.

Complete The Story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

Rice and Beans

Teacher: Construct a sentence
using the words beans and Rice.

Kweku: I ate beans and rice last night for supper.
Sheku: Mom cooked beans for us
this morning
Dan: I just ate rice for lunch.
Dumukpalor: We human rice because We are all human Beans!

ESSAY WRITING BY AKPOS PART 2

The habitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies or mama or maale' for Waffi Dem dey lived in the Sarah Dessert and dey traveling by Camelot

Sleeping on duty

One of our staff went missing for hours and we combed up the place looking for him.

AKPOS WRITES AN ESSAY;

The Bibol is fulled of interesting caricatures

Correct Your English

Afreni was in class and the lecturer noticed that she has been attending this 100 level lecture for like 3yrs now,

Dim Wit

A guy arrived somewhat early from work, when he entered his home, he heard noise from his room and cried out while rushing in.

Stop And Check

Scene I.
Man driving clean car around
Yaba was flagged down @ police checkpoint.

Fans

Armed robbers attacked a bus and the robbers said all Arsenal fans move to the left,

Curses

Wife: hello dear, are you through with your meeting?
Husband: We are done. I'm driving home alone.

Is Play we

Teacher: Chukwudi make a simple sentence with "is"?".

Live Life

Don't live a Champagne life

Capitalization

A man gave out his daughter in marriage in 1995 at a bride price of #10,000 and by 2005 during the banks RE-CAPITALISATION period.

Our Mistress

A Nigerian man and his wife were having dinner at a very nice restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

Shop Trick

Akpos and Aremu Junior were in a store, Junior decided to steal 3 bars of chocolates. As they left the store, Junior said "I am good at stealing did u notice I just stole 3bars of chocolate", Akpos replied "Really ok let's go back to the shop and I will show you how to steal properly.

Message to The Wife

Awesome msg sent by a man to his wife:

Key in the Car

As narrated by a lady:
After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there,
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

Have Left

MATHS TEACHER :

Spell Plantain

TEACHER: " rukevwe, spell plantain".
RUKEVWE: "which of them"?

Total

A new house maid was given a list of what to buy in the market by her madam:

Financial Management

A man with only 20 naira left in his wallet goes to a restaurant and eats a meal of 2,000 naira,

No No No

A guy with a 25-inch p***s went to a native doctor and said; I can't live with this anymore! It's too long. The native doctor replied; Relax! There is a female frog in that swamp.