How Much do you Love me.

Girl: how much do you love me?

Boyfriend: I love u so much, I can't measure.

Pump Action

little Rukevwe comes back from the school crying.

All Idiots Stand up!!

Teacher: All idiots stand up.
Akpos stood up.

Robbers

Two bank robbers:

Future Payment

A motorist Akpos was driving by a farm in Ogun, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. Akpos went to the owner of the calf (baba Risi) and explained what had happened.

Spoilt For Choice

I just witnessed this conversion between a flight executive and a passenger on a flight.
Flight Executive: Would you like something to drink Sir? Some Juice perhaps?
Passenger: Yes Please!
Flight Executive: would you also like some wine to go with your meal Sir?
Passenger: Yes.
Flight Executive: Red or white?
Passenger: Red Please!
Flight Executive: South African or French?
Passenger: French

Name Change

After dipping Akpos three times in water, Bro Peter said to him, "You are now a new creature, your name is no longer Akpos but Paul.
From now onwards, You don't eat meat, our church eats only fish!!!

What Do You Want to Drink?

Rich people and dia wahala, a friend went to visit his babe frm a very rich family. D maid approached him & asked MAID: what would u lyk to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
My guy: tea pls.
MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea?
My guy:Ceylon tea pls. MAID: how do u want it, black or white?
My guy: white. ...

What do you think I am?

Wife says 2 husband:
Wife: Come help with the garden.
Husband: What do u think I am?a gardener?
Wife: Come fix the toilet faucet.

River Bank

Girl Friend texts Boy Friend: Baby, where are you?

Boy Friend: I'm at d bank.

Give am

3 rats were arguing about who had much swag and efizzy..

Rat Radio

Shehu took his radio for repairs. When the radio was opened, a rat jumped out and ran away.

Principal

Boy: That principal na real big mumu guy.
Girl: u know who I be?

Preggers

A man's wife was eight months into her Pregnancy, the husband had to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while.

Busted

Gbade had been cheating on his wife with her best friend & colleague "funke". One friday, he tells his wife he has 2 travel 4 3 days on an official. Unknown 2 his wife, he had made special arrangements 2 go on a romp with Funke. On getting home after day 3, he finds only his kids & maid & was told mummy hasn't been back since he left 4 his trip on friday.

Gorrilla

A married couple at the Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour?

Spring Break

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Sayings of The Unwise

A rolling stone na person kick am.

Strike while the iron is hot and e go burn your hand

A bird in your hand go shit for your hand.

Take the bitter with the sweet so you no go get Jedi jedi.

There is plenty fish in the sea. But you be fisherman?

A stitch in time go saw your cloth.

Make hay to feed your animals.

The show must go on or you go lose money.

Silence is golden. Abeg give me Money.

Two wrongs mean say you fail am twice.

Two's company, Three's a crowd abeg wey the party.

Half bread is better than full chicken.

CIA Agents

Three men answered and ad for CIA agents. The ad stated the men were to bring their wives.

I Too Sabi

1.Sylvia says....Waiter...,pls I like my SALAD very hot,also,can I've 2 bottles of SHAWARMA.

2.Nneka says.....Ore mi give me your PIN lemme call u.

Wedding During Election

Bro Deolu had deliberately fixed his wedding to Sis Kiru on April 2nd 2011(elections day) because he couldn't afford to cater for a crowd.

Chief Regular

Chidozie works hard at the office but spends two nights each week working out at the gym, & playing golf every Saturday n Sunday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she chooses to surprise him & takes him to a very popular strip club.

Colour Blocking (Photo of The Day)

So Far So Good

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.

Hearing Aid Danger

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

Only in America

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY. This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina. .

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

Plane Engineers

Gombe State University Engineering professors were called and asked to sit in an air plane.

Cool It (Picture Of The Date)

Porsche Charger

Simbi lost her Blackberry porshe  & after some days she decided to call her number to see if somebody will be honest enough to pick the call.

Porsche Matter

Babe: baby do u still luv me like before?
Guy: yes luv! My luv for u will never change.
Babe: dats my babyyyy
Babe: I want u to buy me somtin.

New Pastor

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote
"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

Coloured Briefs

A Wife buys 2 dozen man's briefs of the same colour on sale.

Conversations With Just Questions

Nigerians can have full conversations with just questions:

Where Ever you!!

So this sweet chick Uju sent this text 2 her Guy Emeka.

We are surrounded

Second Mate: "Sir, We're surrounded!"

School Ahead

Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Lady Please

Adele: "I set fire to the rain!"

The Birds Said

Dad: "A bird told me you are doing drugs."

Pre schoolers

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

What A story.

Do you know this?

A wife went on holiday leaving d husband behind. The husband got so was feeling frisky one day that he decided to try the maid who had just come from Nsukka Village and who seemed clever.

The Bus Ride

A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.

What do you have Left.

TEACHER: Akpos, wat is 4+4?

AKPOS: Aunty, I nor know.

Your Drink

Two guys, a Briton and an American were sitting together with one Hausa lady at a Bar in Abuja, and waiting to be served.

Forged Cheque

Alhaji Sambo lost his cheque booklet & went 2 d bank. d bank manager said 2 him,

Chief Lucky

​​​​​Chief Lucky: Hello is that Nondon?
Phone Operator: Yes.

Troy And Abed Spanish 101

Elephant and Camel

So... the elephant says to the camel

Love Surgery

After a long night of making love,d guy noticed a photo of another man on d woman's bedside table. He begins 2 worry???

Help Me

A Beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy inside a plane......The lady said to him ' Can you help me to remove something from my bosom?

Vacation for my son

Phone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Atutopuyoyo Elementary," answers the principal.

Sugar Free

Zaniab went to a shop in UK, picked up a Ribena and a Bag of Sugar,

Working Late

A secretary came angrily out of her boss' office,colleague asked-what happened??

My relatives

A couple went out together and had a quarrel on their way home.

Fat Runs

Me: "You're fat."

Facebook Like

Police: "Ma'am, your Husband has been involved in an accident. We need you to come and identify the
body."

Prayer Point

In a singles convention a prayer point was raised" that singles should pray for their heart desires". A lady prayed,"oh lord I don't want to marry a short man.

Pick Your Picture

A Nigerian soldier was deployed to Borno from Warri. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend, Rukewe. In the letter, she explained that while he was away she had slept with 2 guys

The High of Disappointment

The High of Disappointment.....

EBAY SCAM ALERT.....BE CAREFUL!

My friend Stuart went on ebay and spent £900 for

Peace

Peace didn't come from a 'posh' background, but always tried hard to give the impression that her family was rich and she was brought up with a 'silver spoon' in her mouth.

The New Alphabet

A- Apple B- Blackberry C- Chatting D- Download E- Email F- Facebook G- Google H- HP I- Iphone.

Old Woman

An old woman inside a bus headin 2 lagos 4rm calabar shoutd @ d driver "Oga, if u reach benin tell me o!

Driving in Warri

Okrima was driving in warri one day. It got dark & he discovered dat his headlights were no longer working.

Are You Relaxing?

One day Ogbologbo was enjoying the sun at the beach. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Ogbologbo answered, "No, I am Ogbologbo." Another guy came and asked him the same question.

Offering

A pastor ask d men to put offering according to their wives beauty! One man put 5 naira! Haba!

Go Shopping

Obi: Chi I taught we agreed on a date today?
Chinwe: I'm not feeling well.

Where Are you?

Eboka's missus rang him earlier and said "where the hell are you?"...

Soap

A pupil asked his teacher "Aunty, if I add OmO & Ariel detergent powder together, will it still produce bubbles?"

Keke Chariot (Picture Of The day)

The Slap

A HR Manager, His Assistant, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Traveling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends... The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark...

In The tree

A man wanted to end his life by hanging himself on a tree.

Bridge Anyone

A man walking along a California beach and came across a genie . The genie offered him one wish alone.
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

I Wear The Pants

Adamu was going to be married to Fatima
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Adamu, let me tell you something.

Love me no more

Wife: You don't make love to me anymore

Doesn't Pay

A man went into the bar with his wife.

CSI Las Gidi (Photo Of The Day)

The Greek Gift

Zeus the Greek god was flying over Ancient Greece when he spotted a gorgeous woman naked washing herself.

Negative

A man went for HIV test in a hospital on friday and was told to come back on monday for the result...

Get Out

A pastor was praying for a man possessed with a demon.

Mama Chidi

Man told his wife he heard their next door neighbour had slept wit all the women in their compound,

Bates Family

Larry Bates was introducing his family to an acquaintance..

Facial Surgery

Chukwu was in a very thoughtful mood. Emeka saw him and asked him, "what is the problem"?

Moon

One day the teacher was talking about marriage in class

Naked robber

Last week friday staff of a bank in calabar where shocked when a man walked in naked into the bank and went straight to the vault and started packing money.

Naija Light

Obama came to Nigeria for an official visit. He was with Goodluck on the balcony at Aso Rock. Suddenly, NEPA took light all over Abuja .

Use a Word

Stressing the importance of good vocabulary, the teacher told her teenage charges; "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

Maths Pocket

Teacher: "If you dip your hand into the left pocket of your shorts, and take out a 500 naira note,

N and D

Julius Malema recently bought a new automatic car. He drives the car perfectly well during the day but at night the car just won't move.

Mental Hospital

During a visit to a mental hospital a Journalist asked the Director “How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?” Director:

Men Clap

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.10 men and 1 woman.

Mama chicken

A naija man travelled to Italy & entered a Restaurant & wanted 2 order chicken but he couldn't remember what chicken Was called in Italian.

Not Addressed To You

Malema and his bodyguards are making letter bombs.
One of the bodyguards: "I'm not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it."

Making A Baby

There is not one dirty word in it, yet its hilarious!

A Couple, Suresh and Reeta Sharma,in the US., were unable to conceive  and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

Ghetto Jacuzzi (Photo Of The Date)

Little Boy's Prayer

At dinner, a little boy Kanu was ordered to lead in prayer.
KANU: But I don't know what to pray?
DAD: Just pray for your family members.

Lincoln

Teacher : what happened in 1809?

LASTMA Popo

A man went to the vet with his dog. When driving back he beat a red light and before he could say jack LASTMA and police jumped into the back of his car.

Knocker

A Girl Posts An Ad In Newspaper For Her Life-Partner:
"Need A Person Who Never Leaves Me, Never Beats Me & Can Satisfy Me On Bed."

Know Know

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!

Kasali

Kasali saw an kai kai bottle at Oshodi he rubbed it to clean and a Genie popped out of the Bottle. "I will grant u one wish" says the genie.

Customer Service (Photo Of The Day)

Writing WAEC

Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to please wait at the gate and pick him up after his WAEC Commerce exam at the Commercial Secondary school where he was registered.He was given Commerce Exam question paper and the only question he could answer was question number 3 and it says: ''Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop.''(20marks) After much thinking he smiled and wrote his answer: Warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba. Then he submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate.

Shaving you

A Cute girl giving manicure to a man who is also getting a shave at a barber shop.

Problem At Work

Husband: I have a problem at the office.

INSTALLING HUSBAND

A woman writes to the IT Technical support...

Please Stay

Pastor explains to congregation that he must move onto another church...there is silence in d congregation because nobody wants him to go.

Hot S*** (Photo Of The day)

LOVE LETTER FROM AN IGBO BIZ MAN TO A GIRL

Hello pretty damsel,
I just wanted to let u know dat I hv joined d moving people. Ndi na aga aga, d happening guys.

Pajamas

A girl invited her boyfriend (Jerry) over for dinner at her home, so that he could meet her parents.

Give me your phone

Husband : give me your phone for a second.

Firing Squad

An Ibo man, Yoruba man and Hausa man were set to face a
firing squad.

Rich

Boy : Hi
Girl : What?
Boy : how are you?
Girl : do i know you?

Taking a Stand

A priest praying for a dying man, whispered to him, "denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil".

A Cabs Tale

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.

Indecent Exposure

A woman is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right boob hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Madam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

Hot Water Phone

A friend's calabar house girl was answering her phone while cooking and the phone fell into boiling hot water.

Funeral Cabby

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

Chicken Delivery

Haruna was sent to deliver a live chicken in lagos, on his way a careless cyclist made him fall off,

15 WAYS To Know If Witches are Following You From Your village

15. If you work in a company for 10 years, without promotion or raise in salary.
14. When you fail BOTH maths and english in WAEC.

I Don Ripe

A mad man at the Aro Mental Hospital climbed a tree and spent half day on that tree, all of a sudden he let go of the branch and fell straight to the ground full force.

Gossip Much

Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday. They agreed it’s so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them.

I dey Joke

Boy: Babe how's ur week?
Girl: Not bad
Boy: Was thinking u could come over to my place on Friday if you're chanced.
Girl: I don't think so. I have choir practice after work.
Boy: Oh ok. How about Saturday?

Hung Chow

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

Igbo Man

An igbo man had no child, no money, no home and a blind mother, one day he found an old kai kai bottle with a genie in it.

Collision

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

Idiot in Heaven

A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.  Before anyone knew, the three men  found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven,where St.Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

Horses

Guy enters a bar stressed. Bartender: What's up?
Guy: I've got these 2 horses & I can't tell dem apart. I'm mixin up riding & feeding times.
Bartender: why don't u shave d tail of 1 horse?

Pastor

A Pastor was stopped by police who naturally wanted something & He was not playing ball, they asked for his papers & found noting with which 2 nail him, he was asked to open the hood.

Bullet Proof

Mallam Musa bought a 20m Naira bullet proof Jeep, he was travelling from Abuja to Kano when he was accosted by armed bandits,

Politicians

A bus full of politicians was driving down a country road when their bus ran off d road & crashed in2 a tree in an old farmers field. The cops came out few hours later.

Cashless Lagos (Photo of the Day)

Girl: why can't guys sing CHOP MY MONEY with all their hearts?

Everything I have

Girl: "If I knew you were this poor, I would have never married you!"

3 Drunks and a Taxi

3 men were drunk, almost passed out dey stopped a taxi the taxi driver figured they were not in their right minds, so he just switched on the motor & switched it off & told dem "we arrived".

Turning Eba (Photo Of The day)

Elizabeth

An armed robber broke into a house and found a couple.
Pointing the gun at the woman he said, “I like to know the names of my victims.”

Brazilian Hair

Chukwudi had always been an astute business man. One day his girl asked him for money to fix Brazilian weave on hair & told him it was N150k. Chukwudi screamed "that is money to start new business obabey".

The 3 C’s

The 3 C’s of life: choices, chances, and changes.

Bros Show

It was make a sentence day in school and all the students where making sentences.
The Teacher turned to Ogbologbo and asked him to make a sentence with four words, inviting his brother back home from the US, as there are major problems at back at home.

Bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I buy one cookbook the other day," said the first, "but I no fit use am do anything."

ATM PIN

Shehu was withdrawing money from the ATM, when Ugo behind him laughed "hahahaha" and said "you be mumu, I don see your password, na four stars(****)"

ATM Child

Couples were in court for divorce. The problem is who gets the custody of the child. The wife jumps up & said, your honour I brought the child into this world in pains & labour, he should be in my custody.!!

Solving Problems

Do not use a permanent solution to solve a temporary problem.

Mensah

Mensah
It was the first day of the session, and a new Direct Entry student, Mensah, a Ghanaian, joined the class in one of Nigeria's Universities. The lecturer said, "let's begin by reviewing Nigerian history". He then asked, "who said I shall return to die in the land of my fathers"?
The lecturer saw a sea of blank faces except for Mensah, who had his hand up. Mensah replied, "King Jaja of Opobo, 1875".
"Very good", said the lecturer, who then asked again, "who said the Land Use Act would feed the Nation"?
Again, no response except from Mensah, "Obasanjo, 1976".
The lecturer snapped at the class, "class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Mensah, who happens to be new in our country and a foreigner, knows more about our country's history than you do".
The lecturer heard a loud whisper, "Ghana must go"!
"Who said that"? The lecturer demanded with a cold look.

Echo

Teacher: Who can define echo?……
Omonigho: Uncle, I sir!!….

Giving Change

A policeman arrested a man urinating at a place clearly marked "do not urinate here", fine N500".

Sentences

Teacher: "Make a sentence Green, Pink, Yellow and Black."

See CV

Here is d summarly of my cfi. My name is ekaette my inklish name is yulet am from ibiaku ntok okpo in akwa ibom stead. I brought up in ayekunle den we relogate to jaba @ lakos.

Pray

A man was walking in a bush and he saw a lion in front of him, he knelt down and was praying to GOD to deliver him.

Horse Call

Chidi was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' Chidi asked.
His wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pant's pocket'.
Chidi then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’

Gyne Assistant

A man went to Awolowo Rd, Ikoyi and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read :"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

Business Center

Husband & wife agreed that anytime they want 2 have sex, they will call it PHONECALL,So that d kids will not decode. One day the husband sends his son to tell mum that he wants to make a phone call.

Breast Feeding

A guy arrived at a hotel with a lady 15 yrs older than him.
Manager: Sorry, we don’t allow such here.
Guy: Oh, she is my mum.

Afreni

Afreni thought LOL meant "lots of love".

Crazy People Talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

Simon and The Gate Keeper

The Game keeper catches Simon leaving the vicinity of the fishfarm with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the Game keeper.

The Chicken and the Goat

A goat and a chicken were discussing and walking along the road side and suddenly a car passed and splash water on them,

Take me Out

Girl: Take me to tantalisers.

Travelling

Adamu was in a bus from Abuja to Lagos.
On The way, a girl's fone rang; "Hello, yes! Am on my way 2 Kaduna. Ok! I'll tell my mom".

6 year Old

A 6yr old boy said to his father....Daddy, I wld like to get married. His dad said sure son, any1 special in mind? The boy said yeah, my grandma.

Upgrade

The Rice at the top of the cooler was once at the bottom of the Pot..

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, he asked his cousin, “So a man can marry many women?” “The man just married Sixteen women,” the boy added.

Chemistry Test

Akpors and Ambali's conversation in bathroom during test!

Friend of Mine

This morning a friend woke up and as he buttoned his shirt, a button fell off.

Akpo's Story

One day my papa call me, my brother and my mother together and tell us say if we dream say them wan give us something for dream make we no collect, say na enemies wan give us bad things.

How To Impress

How to impress a woman?

3 Friends

3 friends Lived in a Flat on the 110th floor.