Suitcase Of Money

Id & Ayo are two beggars in d UK, Ayo comes home with £10 in loose change, Id always comes back with a suitcase filled with £10 notes.

Police Line up

Police in Lagos, had good luck with Akpors, a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

Dearest Susan

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement.
Simply devastated. Won't u please consider coming back 2 me?

The great Liar

There was this guy that was always lying to his girlfriend,

Same Colour Briefs

A Wife buys 2 dozen man's briefs of the same colour on sale. Husband protests

Going To Market

TEACHER- who can make a sentence with GO?
Akpos- Me sir.
TEACHER- ok.

Nothing is impossible Apply wisdom

Dad: I want u 2 marry a gal of my choice.Son: no
Dad: She is Bill gates daughter.

Test on the High Sea

An American, An Englishman & a Nigerian where on a ship.

Without Poo

2 Sharks Swimming in Ocean saw people of a Sunken ship.

Father Shark: Follow me, son, 1st we swim around dem a few times with the tip of our fins showing"
&They did Well done son! Now we swim around dem a few more times with all of fins & teeth showing & They did.

Young Pilot

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies.

Beans Things

Since dem say Boko Haram dey poison Beans, Zubulu come get half bag 4house, he tell dem to prepare beans porridge.

Point and Kill (Picture Of The Day)

Phone Call Help

One March evening, the boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

Bible Scriptures

A pastor was packing his belongings leaving Kano 4 lagos because of Boko Haram atrocities.
One of his members saw him and asked him: "But Pastor the Bible says 'no weapon fashioned against us shall prosper'".

Philosophy of Life!

A boat is docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took to catch them."Not very long." they answered in unison.'Why did you not stay out longer and catch more?'The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'.

Change The Subject

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

Geography Lesson

The geography teacher entered the class and the children greeted in chorus: “Good morning, sir.”

Scatter Ground

Ekaete and Akpos dey scatter fight outside
examination hall........
Other classmates dey shout "wetin happen na! wetin happen na!".

What's in a Name?

The Yoruba's will gleefully refer to FOLAYEMI's Mum as either Mama Fola or Iya Yemi. No problem for FUNMILOLA if people call her mother Mama Funmi or Iya Lola.

Angel

Kid said: why do u always say that my brother is an angel?

Heart Transplant

A Yoruba man needed a heart  transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his  blood and needed the same blood type in case the need arises. Because the  gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So  the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, an Igbo man was  located who had the same type and was willing to donate his blood to the Yoruba man.  After the surgery, the Yoruba man sent the Igbo man a thank-you card for giving his  blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of  his appreciation.

Airplane

A plane was transporting a bunch of madmen from naija to a well facilitated psychiatry in south africa n they were making so much noise.
one of the madmen enterz da Pilots cabin....

Two Men

Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?
Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes.

Sleep Around

A man missed his wife who travelled so much that he felt the matrimonial bed was too big for just him and decided to sleep on the sofa, dining chair and sometimes, in d library.

Subtraction And Addition

Father: Uzo what is 1+1?

Tissue Paper

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

Black And Yellow

Girl: I like your teeth.
Boy: cool, thanks.

Thinking Of Girls

Paul's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :"Paul seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "

Wife Of Who

Wife: stupid man.....
Husband: stupid man wife.....

Papa Ehi's Heart Transplant

Doctor Itoya performed heart transplant on Papa Ehis and he went back to see him.
Papa Ehis : "Doctor ever since my heart transplant I always think of sex, money and more sex. Have I grown younger?".

By Fire By Force

Wedding By Fire. LOL

Tech Support Logic

One of the company's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

You Got Mail

Agbo was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor Mrs. Ogbologbo came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the she went.

Whatever He says

I get one friend before wey im mouth b like prophet own, anything the guy yarn dey come true.

Together At Last

She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children. At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”

Animals on Facebook

IF ANIMALS HAD Facebook, THESE ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE THEIR STATUS UPDATES:

Chances of Survival

Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :- Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,  dont demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

The Waiting Room

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!"

Dwarf Hair

A man walks up to a woman in the office and says, 'your hair smells nice.'

Committees Setup

Obama to Jonathan..'Mr President, why are there so many committees in Nigeria?.

Do Not Urinate Here

Mr. Tamuno's house was situated at the corner of the street and passersby always used to urinate on his fence. The smell got so bad that they had to close the windows of the house always.

The Taxi Ride

A naked lady ran into an Igbo man's taxi. She told the driver where she was going. The lgbo man didn't start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again. The lady saw him and said: what's ur problem man??

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all
of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his
money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die,
 I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
 with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
 me.'

If I have......

Math teacher: I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other, what do I have?

Where Is Your Home Work

Teacher:Where is your home work?

Concentrate On your Studies

TEACHER :- Akpos, who is the president of Togo?

Akpos :- Aunty I don't know oh..

Walking on Water

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Wetin You carry

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.
Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

The Photo shop Fiasco

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! Kpefu went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and - while the

Who is the culprit

A guy with a gun enters a bar.

What do you know exactly

An American and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The American is thinking that Nigerians are so dumb that he can fool them easily. . .
So he asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.
The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The American persists and says that the game is fun.

Your Pass Mark

A 6year old boy was looking at his mum's National ID card.
It's written on it............
Name ~ Matilda Sackey.
Age ~ 35.
Sex ~ F.

Consolation Fee

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

I make you feel guilty

Akpos asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you". The girl answered with a loud voice I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!". All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was embarrassed.

My birthday Gift Love

Girlfriend: where is my birthday gift? I can't wait to see it.

Sun Of My Life

Girl: Do you want to be the sun of my life?
Boy: of course!

Switch

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

I Am In Love

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.

Let's Do Comparisms

Teacher: Ok class, let's show the principal & our guests how much we've learnt so far dis year!

Let's do comparisions…So I say small, U say small, smaller, smallest..

I want to buy petrol

Patrick Obayaigbon drives into a petrol station in his sleek, state of the art range rover sports:
Patrick: guy, abeg give me full tank
Attendant: I only speak english,sir

Radio Request

(On a radio programme being aired live)...... my name is Femi Otedola, I will like to make a special shout out to my very good friend, Honorable Farouk Lawan, he is presently residing at the force headquarters in Abuja. Kindly play "Chop my money" by P-square for his enjoyment this evening.

Where will it take you.

Mama osas after thoroughly beating him for stealing, observed the boy was without any form of remorse and was still grumbling.

The IIl's Of Alchohol

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.

Birthday Gift

Emeka : "Akpos, what are you going to give Celestina on her birthday?"
Akpos : "Na futuball I go give am"

Office Temp

John: Your secretary is very sexy...! Tom: Thanks! It's a robot actually, named "Monica".

Something New

After 20 years of marriage, Mr and Mrs Akpos were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

Take Nonsense

A man was discussing with his wife when he said

Respectful Girls

Yoruba girls have respect & show appreciation when given a gift!

Song Dedication

After Church Hour, a boy called FM radio station & said;

Tamuno Goes to write Jamb Exam

Tamuno go write Jamb, when time for english reach, e begin spy one fine babe wey siddon near am.

Currency units

TEACHER : Students, please name some units of currency

Bury The Money with Me

Mr Chukwudi was a very stingy rich Fellow. On his death bed he told his ever faithful wife Adaku he had one last request.

Master Question

A girl asks a guy...

URGENT JOB VACANCY!!!!

If you are over 30, smart and intelligent, you have a valid ID and excellent university result.
You can Speak either English, Yoruba or Igbo, you are looking for a 9am-4pm job, with net salary of N35.5million p.a., weekly allowance of $2500 USD.

Pass English

Boyfriend: "Baby I heard you failed English at 'O' Level"

BB Update

Kuburat got hit by a car & was immediately rushed to the hospital...

Whisper

   Emeka called out to his mum,"mummy,mummy

    I want to wee.................."

Singles In Heaven

Husband and wife arrive in heaven.....

Girl with Skills

Show Your Card

A texas department of water representative stopped at a ranch and talked wit an old rancher. he told the rancher, I need to inspect ur ranch for ur water allocation.

BREAKING NEWS

Bill Gates has resigned as the Chairman of Microsoft after receiving a letter from Akpos.

Give According to The Beauty

A pastor ask the men in his congregation to give an offering according to the beauty of their wives!

Solve The Problem

A teacher wrote on the board: 38x+y^2/3.5x^3*(66y-12x)=0.

Its going down tonight

A therapist gathered a group of married inmates at Olodo Community School auditorium this morning.
Once everyone was seated he proceeded with his survey.

See Correct Fathers

Akpos' father accompanied him to his school end of the year award party. As they sat
watching and amidst great shouts and loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the
podium for their award presentation. The following conversation ensued:

Does that Mean you can?

Sales girl: sorry sir u can't smoke here.
Man: but I bought dis cigarette from ur shop.

Have a Baby

Akpos asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby.

Picking My calls

A Jamaican Rastaman went to the hospital for treatment on his badly burnt ears, where the following transpired:!

That's the boss

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

Potential and Reality

A young boy asked dad:wots the difference btw potential and reality?

Confession Time

A couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to wife "Mama Emeka, we are about to Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

Saved You Money

Akpos walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

Arithmetic

Rukevwe stopped by the corner store and read the following list to the attendant:

New Monkey Business!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced that he would buy monkeys for N10. The villagers went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at N10.

Stupid Answers to Stupid Questions

1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?

Ans: No! I ’m training to die.!!

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.

A man comes in and asks the farmer,

"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer says,

"Some things you just can't explain."

Nigerian Sense of Humour

The sense of humor of the average Nigerian knows no bounds even in challenging times! Below is a  list of suggestions for Mr President, sequel to the recent renaming of Unilag.

Who Can Answer My Question?

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

Room With a View

Mrs. Richards: I asked 4 a room with a view
Basil Fawlty: As far as I can remember This is the view out of the window