Lost Money

Aremu Junior got to class late and met the teacher at the door post.
Teacher: Why are u late?
Junior: A man lost #500.

Making Tea

One day Boke's Mum was out, she was home with her dad. She was 2 years old. She had a little 'tea set' (a gift). Dad was engrossd in the news when she brought him a cup of 'tea', just water.

Policeman vs Bus driver

Policeman: Driver, give me your driver's licence.
Driver: Oga OC, I no get driver's licence o.

Argument between a man and his wife

Rope

Chuku mistakenly fell into a deep well, so his wife bought a rope to rescue him,

Confession Time

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

How Great our Fathers are

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

Two Big Girls

Two big girls were gisting:-Toyin: I just got my blackberry, I will buy my pin next week

Journey

Musa is about to embark on a long journey & decides that his wife should wear steel underwear .

Meaning Of Dreams

A woman woke up in d morning and told her husband Fred, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. Do you know what dat means?".

Amnesty

MUM: Akpos dat fish and meat don boil?
AKPOS: yes malee.

Donation

A little girl from Lekki British International School knocked on my door this morning.

Yawa!!!!

Agbami was traveling out of town with his driver to drop him at the airport.

English and Pigdin

ENG: As it is written in the bible.
PIDGIN: As dem yan 4 bible!

Dim Wit

A guy arrived somewhat early from work, when he entered his home, he heard noise from his room and cried out while rushing in.

Right and Wrong

Listen to your elders ADVICE.

Library Book

Ekpomoto went to the Library and asks for the Book "Pyscho The
Rapist".

Crazy Not Equal to Stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Institute of mental health.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

Lesson

At work, Tom and Jack were chatting:

STRETCH MARKS

Ogbologbo's fiancee said to him,
"Now that we are engaged, we should start calling each other pet names".
He asked her, "So what do u want to be calling me?" She said,
"I'll be calling u TIGER".
"Why?" he asked.
"Coz u're handsome, tall, charming, strong,
calculating and smart.

Question Tag

Teacher: Our topic for today is question tag..

The Kind Of Girl

Ogbemu was 32 years old and he was still single.

Suicide

A tenant walked in n saw his landlord's son who was trying to commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued,

One Million For 5 children

Nigerian government announced to pay N1million to all men with 5 kids. A man heard this and said to his wife, Julia, I have a child with my girlfriend let me go and take him so we can add him to our 4 kids.

Child Of God

A man armed wit Ak 47 ran into a church and pointed d gun at d congregation demanding "who is a child of God here, let me send him 2 heaven?

Mind Your Business

How Akpasubi learnt 2 mind his own biz!

Business Student

A shy young guy goes to a bar & sees a beautiful girl sitting alone. He gathers some courage, goes 2 her table & asks: "mind If I sit here beside u?"
She responds loudly: "No! I don't wanna spend the night with u!" Everyone at the bar turns & stares at d guy.
D guy shocked & embarrassed goes back 2 his table

Evolution

​A little girl asked her mother, “How were humans created?”
D Mom answered, “God made Adam& Eve, they had children& so was mankind made.”
2 days l8r d girl asked her Dad d same question.
D Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys 4rm which d human race evolved.”

Finders

Egbunike as coming home last monday evening and found a small bag on the ground. He opened it and found inside $50,000!! Fear 1st caught him, but he took the bag home opened it & found some Documents, ID card, ATM card & an Iphone. He thought about throwing the SIM, documents away & keeping the phone and money.

Fry Egg

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"

Doctor

Junior: Good Morning Uncle.
UNCLE: Ahh! Junior long time. How r u doing?
Junior: I'm ok,thank u. I came looking for admission 2 realise my dream of becoming a doctor. And with ur help Sir, I believe I won't have any difficulty.

My Daddy

"If you had 1 Naira," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another naira and fifty 50, how much money would you have?"
"One Naira." answered Akpors

Whats the Difference

Akpokpoyuibo returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math. "Why?" asked his father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'""But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice."Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

Claiming

I get one friend before wey im mouth b like prophet own, anything the guy yarn dey come true.

Children of Isreal

In sunday school class last sunday morning,
after a very interesting topic.
the teacher asked, "any question?"
a small boy raised up his hand looking very
confused....
Aunty: what is your question Akpos?
Akpos: Aunty, you said the children of israel escaped from egypt?
Aunty: yes,

Photocopy Machine

Mother in-law: My daughter in law am so surprised that my son's children don't look like him. Why?

The Height of Laziness

Boy: Mom, please bring me a glass of water
Mom: Come and get it yourself
Boy: please mom

Escaped

A husband goes out on the town on Friday night and has far too much to drink. When he eventually comes round, he discovers it's Sunday afternoon.

Wings

I saw a one winged Fly on the floor and poured some red bull on it.

DISTINGUISH

Teacher: Akpos, use the word DISTINGUISH in a Sentence.

We Need to Talk

The phrases 'I need to talk to you.'

Four Robbers

Yesterday 4 men Musa, Nasiru, Bala and Adamu go rob one bank. As dem enter, Musa wey carry gun come shout; "Ebri body lie down, if I look me walahi me I go shoot".

Commodity Sellers

chicken seller= Aladiye,
plastic seller= Alabo,

Month Of Ramadan

Ben & John were tired, thirsty & hungry after trekking for 2 days in d Sahara. On day 3 they looked down the hills & saw a town with a mosque.

My small Income

Darling," said Ofili swooning to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

Jealous

Mrs Balogun said to her housemaid:"Oh Lizzy, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

Down by The River

Preacher said:"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river" And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".

Jiggy

A young lad goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

iShag

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.

Single In Heaven

Husband and wife arrive in heaven.....

Is Sex Work

Husband and wife arguing over sex. husband says sex is work and wife says sex is pleasure.

Your Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

Bra size

Panku went to a shop to buy bra for his wife & this conversation ensued
Panku: i Wan buy bra for my wife Seller: ok sir, Abeg What size?
Man: I no Really know o

What's The difference

A professor ask what's the difference among these 3?

Coming From London for a wife

Charles travelled from d UK with hopes of marrying a decent naija babe. So he came to warri and had plans of marrying my neighbor Elohor. He got to a hotel to book a room for them to meet and decided to call Elohor.

The Lady and the Guy's Inbox

These are what you find in a LADY'S INBOX:

1..I luv u dear (Bello)
2..Can i take u out tonite? (Bassey)
3..I always feel bad when I see u with another man (Okoye)
4.. Sweetie don't forget d trip (MD)
5..Darling, av u seen d credit I sent u? (Collins)

Speaking To God

TEACHER fell asleep in Class and AKP0RS walked up to him
Tamuno: "Teacher are u..... Sleeping in class"
TEACHER: "No, i am not sleeping in  class"
Tamuno: "What were u doing Sir"

Send the Text

Atongo gave his fone 2 Ali
Atongo: Please send a text 2 my

How Much you love me

GIRL TO BOY: Tell me how much you love me baby….

Johnny's Chick

Teacher asks Johnny what you want to be when you grow up?

Happy Birthday Tuyu

Conversation between Jona & Pat:

Jona: I wonder what's going on next door.
Pat: It's a birthday party!

I dey look you sincee

A man and his wife were sleeping. The man started dreaming of heaven. Here is what happened there with the angel: Man and angel were going as dey reached the first gate of heaven, the man told the angel he wants to urinate, the angel said,we don't allow dat here but i permit you.

Confessions Of A Lady

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I... shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly; Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

Responsible Guy

Ejiro: I'm sorry I can't date u, I need a responsible guy.

Encyclopedia for Sale

FOR SALE Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45volumes.

Obituary

An Igbo Business man went 2 publsh his Wife's obituary in d local paper. They told him its N1000 a word. He only had N4,000 so he askd dem 2 put in "Ngozi Chukwuma is Dead".

Where are you from?

Akpos went to LONDON and visited a pub. He had a few drinks and then noticed 2 large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so he asks "Hey, are you too ladies from Scotland?"

Nurse Titi

2 doctors complained That nurse titi was so dumb she gave every prescription backwards doc. A: last week I told her 2 give a patient 2mg of Percocet every 10hrs.

Pub in London

Akpos went to LONDON and visited a pub. He had a few drinks and the noticed 2 large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so he asks "Hey, are you too ladies from Scotland?"

The Son Of

Akpos was doing his maths
homework. He said to himself,"
Two plus five, the son of a bitch
is seven. Three plus six, the son
of a bitch is nine, " His mother
heard what he was saying and
gasped, "What are you doing Akpos?"
Akpos answered, "I'm
doing my maths homework,

My Children are More Foolish Than Yours.

Mr James and his friend Mr Okoh were arguing about their sons stupidity. Mr James argued that his son was more foolish than Okoh's son. Okoh however disagreed, so they decided to put their sons to test.

Who does He Choose

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

Construction Time

A White Man visited Nigeria for the first time and was taken round the city of abuja by A taxi driver. They drove past an edifice that looked like the World Trade Centre.

Milk Strength

They say milk gives you strength so Kpeku drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall,

When did you Realise

Judge said to prostitute "so when did u realise u were raped"

Angry Husband

Angry husband not satisfied with his wife sent an SMS to his Mother-in-Law:

Going to Heaven

A House girl went to Church for sunday service and the pastor ask the church, " If you know you want to go to Heaven raise up your hand" everybody did except the girl.

Name for twins

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor 'bout her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Constable Tunde

Sanya went to the Police Station and saw Constable Tunde reading a Bible..

The Thief Machine

In Japan they invented a machine That catches thieves; they took it 2 different countries 4 a test.

Jumping Up and Down

A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot.

Out of Curiousity

I saw Musa wrapping his phone with a hanky, out of curiousity,

Because of You

A man loses everything coz of his drinking habit...this evening he saw empty bottles on the bar table...

junior Please chop

A woman was on a bus wit her 1 yr old son, she offered him snacks, "Junior u want chin chin, I will give this man next 2 me".

Low Battery( The caller of the year)

Okpelenge saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".

Police Call

Got a text from a friend,saying robbers attacked their area last night, she called the police,credit then finished,den.......(Wait for it)

What Would You have?

Teacher: Akpos, if you put your hand in one trouser pocket and found 70 Naira, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 Naira, what would you have?

What's Your Major?

Interviewer: ' Mr Dapo how are you today?.
Dapo: 'It is fine sir'.

Solve The Equation

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)".

Do You want to Go To Heaven?

A House girl went to Church for Sunday service and the pastor ask the church, " If you know you want to go to Heaven raise up your hand"

Dear Teasher

Dear Teasher,Please I not like how you gived my children 2 over 10 in the English ezam.

She Wont Speak

A drunk came home very late and sat on the Door step for thirty minutes trying to figure out what to tell his harsh and super strict wife the reason for his lateness.

Getting in The House

A very drunk man was struggling to open his room door with his key.....as he staggers left & right.

Whos is that person

Speaker: "Best Yrs of My Life was spent in d Arms of a Woman hu wasn't MY WIFE!" Audience was in Shock. He said: MY MOTHER. Applause!

Another Birthday Gift

A man asked his girlfriend, 'Where do you want to go for your birthday?

Birthday Gift

A guy's girlfriend was hinting about what she wanted for her birthday.

Who Wants To be A millionaire

A guy and his fiancee were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

The Recruits

Three men answered and ad for CIA agents. The ad stated the men were to bring their wives. The first man was called in for the interview.

Job Interview

At a Job interview,d manager asked a young man just out of UNILAG, Wat salary r u looking at? The chap said In d range of N20m/yr, depending on benefits

Book Keeping

A Guy walks into a job center and the highest pay job was 7 pounds an hour. And it was for a bookkeeping position. He calls the employer;

Landing In London

Five men from Benue State, Nigeria landed at Heathrow Airport.

My Boss

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

Which Book

A bookseller conducting market survey asked a woman:

Dad joined facebook.

kid's status update:- "Dad on fb.. wtf!!!!

Confession Time

A guy went on date with a hot babe in a Ferrari
Guy: I hid something from you.

Facebook Wedding Status

AT A RECENT WEDDING:
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status to married...?

Special Package

An airline introduced a special package for business men.

Frenzy in The kitchen

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Thats My Son

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered.

Pawa Pawa

Sister Ejiro begin sing " he's a miraku working God" see dance plus clapping.

I love you

A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.

But I adore You

He told her: "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you".

Our Problem

Husband: I have a problem at the office.
Wife: we are married & never say I have a problem, say we have a problem.

Please Buy me Milk

A wife says to her husband, 'Could you please go to the store for me & buy a carton of milk?

Crying at the Beach

A man was seated on the beach looking very sad.”What’s the matter, Desmond?”

Playing Dress Up

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson.

Nigerian parents are funny

Nigerian parents are funny

Whats Your Opinion

An 80yr old man says to his doctor: My 28yr old wife is pregnant,

I suspect

Mrs Balogun said to her housemaid:"Oh Lizzy, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

Can You Help me

A Beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy inside a plane......

Senior Citizen BMW

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car sales room. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh;

Correct Your English

There was girl in a class and the lecturer noticed that she has been attending this 100 level lecture for like 3yrs now,

Rasaki's Duty

Rasaki's duty as a driver was to take oga to his office then madam to her shop.

Sermon for next Week

A Pastor told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach on the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

Familiar Face

A RICH woman in Traffic signaled to a BEGGAR : “I have seen you somewhere, u look so familiar”....

Wetin You for be

Boy sitting in front of a danfo bus said loudly to himself  “if my dad was a king & my mum a queen would be a prince,

What Do you See

An illiterate Dad wit his educated son went on a camping trip. They setup their tent & fell asleep.

Library Book

Akpabio went to the library and asks for a book on suicide.

Casket Maker

Chidi who makes caskets was going to deliver 1 of his coffins wen his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put d coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

The great dissapointment

My trip to England has been a disappointment, the shops here love to deceive!

Zebra Crossing

Tina was on a Lagos zebra crossing & nearly got hit

Restaurant Order

A guy and his girlfriend went to a restaurant.

Broken down lift

3 Friends Lived in a Flat on the 110th floor. One day the lift was out of order & they had 2 climb the stairs to go to 110th Floor.

Speak Now Or

On her wedding day,d pastor asked d usual question "anyone who feels dis couple shouldn't b joined in holy matrimony should speak or forever remain silence"...