Busted

A man catches this guy having sex with his wife n beats him up and sends him away naked. So the guy finds his way home naked since it was dark.

Future Tense

TEACHER: I killed a person "convert this sentence into a future tense.

Types Of Gases

A teacher was teaching the topic TYPES OF GASES and the students gave examples such as oxygen,hydrogen,carbondioxide and others.

Skipping Service

A Pastor decided to skip services one Sunday and head to obudu hills to do some hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a lion, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

Bee Country

Teacher: what do you call a bee that lives in America?..

Or What?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

Buying on the Express

Dokpemu was travelling in his private car along the Lagos-Ore express road, when he sited a huge bushmeat hanging on a stick from afar & decided to buy. He stopped & priced.......... Madam,how much is ur bushmeat???.... Oga na 7000naira...... Haba Madam, e too cost, na how much U go sell am last???....Oga bring 6500........

Impress

A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want to impress that beautiful girl ,

Freezer Killer

Two women met at the pearly gate.

Banatation

A teacher asked a question "what do u call a place where plantains are planted?"

Returning the favour

A man was starved of sex bcos his wife had put 2 birth thru CS.
One day, the wife said Eeyaa!, my Love, I know how u must be feeling bcos of my condition; abeg take this #2000 and look for someone and satisfy urself.

U get Loaf of Bread

Jide was hungry and went to 'mai shayi' (men selling tea and bread).The following transpired between the man and the mai shayi.

Who Owns

Mother:- My son must obey me unless he didn't suck my breast for one year,

Getting Along

A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction –

Winning lottery

My landlord's son won a #10 million lottery, kept d money inside a 'Ghana must go' bag, went under a tree, buried d money,

Bad English

Listen to the ENGLISH TEACHERS of nowadays in primary schools;
1. Don’t dare talk in front of my back.!
2. Both of you three get out of the class.!
3. Take 5 cm wire of any length.!

Spiri Soap (Photo Of the Day)

Bitter Leaf

Some suppliers of sugar cane were stopped by robbers on the road. “Give us money! said the robbers. The suppliers replied : we hav no money cuz we used all the money to buy this truck full of sugar cane. The pissed robbers instructed the men to sit down and eat up the whole sugar cane.

CSI Brazilian

A strand of hair picked up from a Nigerian crime scene

Understand

Teacher: What do U understand by definitive deficit equity?

No be foolishness

A man's car developed a fault near a psychiatry hospital. One of the tyre was loose, all the 4 knots had fallen off and no where to be found.

Not the same Guy

Akpos was being chased by two men for one of his numerous crimes, and he ran into d forest, and climbed a tree.

What's The capital

Teacher: what is d capital of Turkey?: Tony replies Ankara,

Burial Money

A man invited his friends from far & wide for his father's funeral, after lowering the coffin they put yams, rice, meat E.T.C, into the grave. A Hausa man who is used to their simple way of burying the dead, asked "why do you waste so much food item this hard times? The man smiled & said, ''according to our tradition the dead man is going on a long journey & therefore needs all the food items.

Looking for My wife

Akpos enters a church n finds the priest."How may I help you son?" asks the priest.

"Am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess".

5 Years From Now

Interviewer: Where do u see urself in 5 yrs sir?..

Punctuation

Osobaifo was caught writing on the wall by the Headboy Authur, an offence punishable by 24 strokes then suspension. The Headboy took Osobaifo to the principal where he was having a meeting with teachers.

Pass Exam

Osobaifo came 1st in his class.

Heaven and Hell

Akpos died and went 2 heaven (shey una don happy now) where he met Angel Micheal
Akpos::: So finally I make heave after all d rubbish wey I do 4 life Tank God 4 God o:O
Angel Micheal::: Oya cum enter ya room

Akpos::: Bros Micheal wetin dey sup 4 downstairs cos d noise na DIE

Angel Micheal:: Na hell fire b dat

Child naming

Akpos insisted that his first child must bear his name. So on the day of naming at d church, this conversation ensued.
.
Rev: Which name would you like your child to bear?

Akpos: (With smiles all over his face) Akpos!

Formula for Water

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?..
Osobaifo: H I J K L M N O.

Hidden Facts

Some hidden facts:

1) 90% of people in Australia
don't drink milk.

2) Snake's vision...is up to 5km

3) A man can touch sun if his
body is completely surrounded by mercury.

Hotel Guests

Osobaifo just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.

The manager told him:

"...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to address their every need even before they ask"

Types Of Coffee

Teacher: how many types of coffee do we have in Africa?

Bolous:- Two types.

Lazarus Surname

OGBORIKOKO IN A BIBLE STUDY CLASS.
 TEACHER: What is d surname of Lazarus that Jesus rose from d dead?
OGBORIKOKO: Comfort.

20th Floor

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 20th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid" she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 13th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

Ya PIN

IGBO GUY: Bebe, are u on BB? Ngwa give me ya bb pin.

Ghost Man

Ogborikoko stayed close to the cemetery so he used that to outwit okada riders and taxi drivers.

He would simply alight at the cemetery junction, fill his nostrils with cotton and speak nasally.
This scared every driver and rider and wouldn't dare ask him for money.

Ogborikoko did this for years and successfully outwitted every driver thinking he was a ghost.

One cool evening, Ogborikoko boarded this okada and as usual alighted at the cemetery junction.

"MONEY?" the angry looking Okada man asked.

Cool Radio

I saw my gateman who bought a radio put it in the refrigerator and when I asked why.

Airport Left

Ogborikoko told his friends he was going to the airport on his way to Abuja 30mins later he is back and his friends looked at him and asked what happened?

Cemetary runs

Ogborikoko stayed close to the cemetery so he used that to outwit okada riders and taxi drivers.

He would simply alight at the cemetery junction, fill his nostrils with cotton and speak nasally.
This scared every driver and rider and wouldn't dare ask him for money.

What do you call people from...?

Teacher: What do we call people from Turkey?
Oborikoko: I don't know Sir.

Beatings

Oborikoko saw his parents in bed enjoying their marital right. So he asked. Daddy, what
are you doing? His father replied, 'I am beating your mummy'

Oborikoko thought for a while with sad face and said Mama, but what offence at all have you committed in this house?
.

Aawww + Aawwww

Caro: How much for this dress??

SHOPKEEPER: N12,000

Side Effects

Okokobioko was sick, so the doctor gave him a tablet. He started cutting the sides of the tablet.....

Errand

A white man attended an Igbo church in Nigeria and was confused as to what he heard d church sing. He narrates his story......... "

Transfer Pain

Mr and Mrs Duyankpan were having their baby and were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the baby's biological father wherever he may be. Both were happy to try it.

Get Mine

Timipre sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man , and tells the driver (bolous), Do you want to Earn N50,000 right away?.

You no Sabi

Emeka: U be fool, u no sabi nothing.
Anofia: Ahhh...haba guy
Emeka: Na so. I fit prove am sef. If na night and u see 2 light for road, na wetin be dat?
Anofia: Na moto.

Make me bread and tea

Jide was hungry and went to ‘mai shayi’ (men selling tea and bread).The following transpired between the man and the mai shayi.
JIDE: u get loaf of bread?

Heavy Weight

Lecture

A man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he walked unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

Turn to Your neighbour

Pastor: Turn to your left and tell your neighbour that it shall be permanent.

Brother In Law

Mr. Ogbonna was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),and taken quickly in for heart surgery.

One evening after work, koloko drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.

Zulus

An aeroplane was about to crash when the pilot announced that the plane is overloaded and people are going to be thrown out in alphabetical order.

The Game

A boy enters a barber shop the barber whispers to his customer, this boy is very dumb, let me prove it to you.

Next Week's Sermon

A Pastor told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach on the sin of lying.

Dr. Ugochi

The famous Dr. Ugochi was sent on call to the scorching Sahara desert.

Naming

Son: Mum, why did Aunt Bisi name her daughter Gold?

Wahala is

When the person interviewing you at your new job is the same guy you insulted in traffic.
You go apologise tire.

Drunk in the Cinema

Drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema, all cozy & in love sudenly he fell asleep, and when he woke up he started shouting so loudly;

Bridge Jump

Dogo and Akpos were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I go bet you N1000 he go jump," said Dogo. "I go Bet you N1000 he won't," said Akpos.

Major James Monitoring

Major James has been monitoring d movement of his only daughter recently. In fact, he first picks her calls to confirm d identity of d caller before handing over the phone to her after thorough screening.

But on one faithful day, her boyfriend called & major picked d call as usual.

Major: hello! may I know u?

Under the Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The Most Stupid

Mr Azu and his friend Oko were arguing about their sons. Mr Azu said his son was more foolish than Oko's son, but Oko disagreed so they decided to prove it.

Methaphor

Teacher: Class Please use a methaphor in a sentence.

Hot Water Phone

A friend's calabar house girl was answering her phone while cooking and the phone fell into boiling hot water.

The One Above

2 Choir members were Being Intimate under a tree, not knowing, a smoker was up on the tree hiding & smoking.

I cheated

Amo - (to her boyfriend) I cheated.

FAVORITE FLOWER

Teacher: "Akpos, what is your favorite flower?".
Akpos: "Krysantomanus esculanta"

PLS TAKE COVER

Ekaitte writes to her boyfriend - Akpors:

Dear my dearest Akpors

This is your girlfriend calling. Before I go on, how is your air condition?

You do something I dont like at all. You take another girlfriend & it pains me.

Not in touch

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a

man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

FURTHER MATHS

TEACHER: If you have 10 doughnuts and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?

AKPOS: 10 doughnuts.

Tues 21st Aug 2012 News

* FG to go after Boko Haram financiers, strategists http://t.co/HmJyV7ud".
* PDP, ACN bicker over Okupe http://t.co/Q8QfwIoW"
* Police begin probe of alleged suicide by corporal after shooting wife, 2 daughters http://t.co/nKlSEwMy".

Library Book Return

Akpos returns a book to the library, bangs it on the counter and Yells, "I read this entire novel; there are too many names of people and no story at all"

Mosquito

A young mosquito went out flying for the first time in its life. When It came back,
the father asked,
"how was It out there & how did u feel?"

Imagining

Teacher asks the class: students, imagine you are at Ikeja bus stop

Thou Shall Not Lie

A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

What you eat in your Country

In England,a Nigerian was chewing bone after eating a meal.

Stolen Car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken
in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal,
even the accelerator," he cried out.

8 WOMEN MEN SHOULDN'T DATE.

 Men have the gift of spotting baggage- carriers from afar off, as well as the skill to avoid them.
Well, most men… If you’re one of the helpless souls who do not, here are the 8 types of women that
no young Nigerian man should date. At all.

Sugar Test

Akpos goes into a chemist, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist's assistant."Could you taste this, please?"

News Bits 18-AUG-2012

* 'Boko Haram wears the face of religion but it is political' http://t.co/IipYLLY7". * Divine intervention saves kidnap victim from abductors http://t.co/EloMHlgz".
* Driver, 28, pleads guilty for stealing madam's car http://t.co/QY5p09Ga".
* Separation won't remove all our misfortunes' http://t.co/NqJWFTRo". * Jonathan's survival depends on him – Eichie http://t.co/9EF0Ffmn".
* Uduaghan urged to develop Aniocha South http://t.co/XPoktDC1".
* The Premier League returns tomorrow. THIS should get you pumped -> http://t.co/zg0F6DnC" :D \=D/. * Nigerians lament the new import duty on flour
*small scale bakers may close shops http://t.co/7oKHRLRi".
* Raising Nigeria's education standard needs maximum approach http://t.co/q4eSE5Yz". * Zuma expresses shock over masscare of more than 36 mine workers http://t.co/NPcOF0hv". * Using BlackBerry 7.1? Learn about a new feature: Application Resource Monitor. Read about it ... http://t.co/SuAEzVrO".
* Be your brothers' keeper, Mark urges Nigerians http://t.co/ghN1ORAS" u nko?
* Unless we pray, there won't be election in 2015, foretell White Witches http://t.co/6xUs2FfD". * 938 persons kidnapped in 8 months in South East – CD http://t.co/jKeVJ1A1"@ least.
* Ex-Enugu governor, Chimaroke Nnamani, is alive -Associates - http://t.co/MK088XeB http://t.co/Bn9F239W".
* Gunmen kill former Shehu of Borno's secretary http://t.co/xjFbFpvM".
* Okene killings: Security beefed up around suspects as police begin interrogation http://t.co/Bk10exSA".
* Why I didn't retire Abacha before I left http://t.co/mjOcUHWO".
* Why we applied to UN, AU for recognition – Onwuka http://t.co/CKyN03PV".
* Local government leeches http://t.co/xyDk9FhG".
* Major declaration of independent Bakassi will soon be made http://t.co/QXCVqG2G". * Bayelsa Flag and Coat-of-Arms http://t.co/G8Wn9cvb".
* ASUU boss brutalised as RSUST VC crisis deepens http://t.co/yzvdxbiC".
* PPM issue lingers nationwide http://t.co/vSUlVALO". * Tension in Bayelsa as JTF gunboat, passenger boat collide http://t.co/oA9zCWig"
* PHCN: NLC commences solidarity strike next Wednesday http://t.co/y3w8H2Ee". * Jonathan must be seen to be decisive else Nigeria is gone, says Gen Ikpomwen http://t.co/BI9eJPmG".
* Nigerians speak on Ogoni, Bakassi political autonomy http://t.co/yPDQrvtw".
* Fear grips Enugu community as Fulani herdsmen kill 2 teenagers http://t.co/g2KFIBd4".
* 15 students paraded over illegal possession of army uniform http://t.co/x44Y8XBt". * Structuring Nollywood: The MOPICON option http://t.co/0U7GKEpA"e wan spoil o
* Ex Nollywood actress battles breast cancer http://t.co/wudvpr05".
* Bolt under pressure to break up with girlfriend http://t.co/yHLpgfOb"he wan run.

Successful Sons

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

419

Mr. 419: Hello, how are you?
Ayo:Fine. Pls, who am I speaking with?
Mr. 419: Haba, don't you remember me? Who do you know in UK dat could be calling?
(Sensing a scam, I threw in a trap…)
Ayo: Johnson! Is that you? (Meanwhile,I don't know any Johnson in UK.) (Thinking it's a break, he swallows the bait)

News Update 17-AUG-2012

»National:
*Proposed strike:
FG, Labour meeting deadlocked
*ACN urges Jonathan to sack Okupe
*Oyerinde:
Oshiomhole wants FG to probe Police, SSS contradictions
*Intrigues as Ijesa chief's trial resumes
*Police reform:
Minister says the Presidential Committee is going beyond its brief
*FG Reiterates readiness to discuss with Boko Haram
*Dana coroner:
Plane examined for 12 mins before flight – Witness
*Explosion rocks Ogoniland
*Olubolade rejects advice to scrap Police Ministry
*FAAC withdraws $1bn as excess Crude Account rises to $7.5bn
*FG improves Gas supply to PHCN, NIPP Plants
*Subsidy:
FG Pays N42.6bn to 31 Marketers
*Army Chief:
Ihejirika says "Our efforts are paying off", insists "we must stamp out Terrorism"
*2015:
PDP yet to decide on Jonathan's fate – Babatope
*Jonathan raises white paper panel on police reform report
*Nigeria, India to review air service agreement
*Pension Reforms:
Okonjo-Iweala seeks partnership with ICPC
*Lagos task force persecuting us – Landowners
*ASUU slams Elechi over Ebonyi varsity name-change
*NSCDC arrests five, recovers petrol stored in sacks
*Ogun PDP asks court to sack Oyinlola as party's national secretary
*Alamieyeseigha drums support for state police
*Onitsha traders protest demolition of structures by govt
*PHCN workers call off strike
*Why we are holding talks with Boko Haram – FG
*CBN to issue N71bn Treasury bills
*Nigeria to be included in JP Morgan index
*Govt, gas firms step up stable power bid, to clear N26b debt
*Govt warns masterminds of explosion in Ogoni
*Govt borrowed N42.67b to pay fuel subsidy, says Okonjo-Iweala
*NYSC:
Police deploy bomb detectors to schools, hostels
*Don blames mass failure in WAEC on poor funding of schools
*Deeper Life Okene Attacks:
Human Rights Group claims 'The police arrested the victims not the terrorists'
*Multi-year tariff will end epileptic power supply – Orji
*Gombe releases N120m for scholarship
*Kogi NUT threatens strike
*Constituency petitions INEC against Taraba Deputy Speaker
*CBN cracks down on financial terrorism
*Benue lawmakers seek commissioner's sack
*Man killed over PHCN bill
*Drug abuse in children is on increase – Imo NDLEA
*Kidnapped Judge regains freedom in Delta state
»Foreign:
*Mitt Romney says he paid 'at least 13 percent' in taxes annually for past 10 years
*20,000 Pairs of Fake Designer Shoes Seized In US
*ECOWAS Parliament averted deportation of Nigerians from Ghana
*e-bay bans sale of magic spells and potions
*Tight security for Chelsea million-man party
*HSBC assisting US in tax evasion probe
*'ICC competent to try Gbagbo'
*Pakistan frees 55 Indians
*Argentine ex-president on trial for bribery
*ECOWAS troops only welcome in north – Mali
*Families of slain Iranian scientists sue Israel
*West reneging on Syria deal – Russia
*WikiLeaks:
Ecuadorian Foreign Minister Ricardo Patiño says WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, has been granted asylum in Ecuador as he wants to avoid being sent to Sweden to face sexual assault allegations
»Entertainment:
*Nelson Mandela's grandson kicks wife out after DNA test reveals "Son" is His Brother's
*CNN Anderson Cooper calls off engagement with GAY Partner, Ben Maisani, over alleged cheating
*Latest Trending News:
Baby #7 on the way for 2Face as Annie Macaulay is pregnant
*Banky W and Wizkid in alleged US fraud scandal as Wizkid's cancelled California concert stirs angry fans
*Woman Burns 9-year-old House girl in buttocks & private with electric iron
*Son defiles stepmother, claims he was seduced; father confused on whose side to be
*Rihanna opens up to Oprah about Chris Brown: "I lost my best friend"
*Bobby Brown checks himself into rehab for alcohol addiction
*Durbar Festival cancelled
*Husband seeks divorce from fetish wife as she tells court "My husband doesn't want more children, so he pours semen on my stomach"

Punctuation

An English Professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

Art Class drawing

During an Art Class
Teacher: Class Please draw a goat eating Grass.
Akpos: Aunty, should we ....

PRESS

Akpos walked into a political rally and saw a beautiful young lady journalist with a badge on her chest reading 'PRESS'

News Tit Bit 15 AUG 2012 Part 2

* Zinox to begin production of decoders http://t.co/zcKsfCMX".
* Institutions charged to sensitise students on IFRS adoption http://t.co/ooe9MwbZ".

* Address effects of oil exploration, C'River tells FG http://t.co/KcJFFiB5"

* FG set to check expatriate quota abuses http://t.co/N5lKlL43".

* Sterling Bank restates commitment to entrepreneurial development http://t.co/QOYbJdOe".

* World Bank report on Nigeria's investment climate http://t.co/6Gyp03SP".

* RIM begins training of Nigerian app developers http://t.co/Xj11nYTF".

* Etisalat extends Internet coverage to 22 cities http://t.co/OtXunrYl.

* RSL gets FMBN approval to disburse N411m http://t.co/2WEyqMwP.

* Domestic debt rises to N6.153tn http://t.co/SBOq6SGk".
* Bank customers welcome new policy on cheque clearance http://t.co/W4ztcqi2".

* Multilinks, Starcomms, MTS in merger talks http://t.co/uQcTLD3I" B4 nko.

* LP chieftain threatens to sue Jonathan http://t.co/AphhckAA".
* Nigeria's 2020 dream unrealistic – ASUU http://t.co/WnVEsCmc".
* Subsidy savings: FG, states, LGs share N248.85bn http://t.co/T3ataLhc".

* Sack sports minister, directors for failing Nigeria — Chukwumerije http://t.co/IBmWVQZi".

* Black American mayors for Badagry Festival http://t.co/qIVqv9iq".

* Community, Mobil report oil spill in Ibeno, Akwa Ibom http://t.co/em1jdDnP".

* Orhii and the battle against counterfeit drugs http://t.co/eIJd3I2Z".

* Students sue for losses during lecturers' strike http://t.co/WJnMIpit.

* Brent hits three-month top above $114 on supply worries http://t.co/GP0Ary2b".

* National Emergency Management Agency officials trapped in Shendam, as bridge linking Plateau, Nasarawa and Taraba states collapses.".
* NATCOMS to host telecom subscribers summit http://t.co/3vwWdSFS".

* Blame NSC for Team Nigeria's woes – Ajunwa http://t.co/T42ZFF4I" yes na.

* Islam against bombing campaign, says Don http://t.co/Bye16Iyu".

* Consumer Protection Council seals four filling stations in Aba for allegedly selling adulterated fuel, hands over attendants to police.".

* Bomb blast kills three in Kaduna http://t.co/WeLXXsr9".

* Scrap Police Affairs Ministry – Presidential C'ttee http://t.co/t2xmBCh7".

* The Nation - Retired IGPs meet Jonathan on security http://t.co/ATgG6jhB".

* Flooding kills at least 28; wrecks homes, bridges and farmland in Jos http://t.co/Y1uIlEK5 via @vanguardngrnews @mobilepunch @channels_tv".

* Police recover 996 IEDs in Kano http://t.co/gAaxH61R".

* Jonathan should not resign - OPC http://t.co/TXV3Lxxh".

* First session: Senate, strong in motions, weak in bills http://t.co/yp5FvHS9".

* ANPP blames FG for Olympics failure http://t.co/DqvwIX6o".
* Strike paralyses academic activities at Rivers Varsity http://t.co/pRQr8l9f".

* Residents flee Damaturu, troops call for calm http://t.co/BwnbwagG".

* Osayande committee rejects state police http://t.co/EymwJexh".

* Two suspected bombers killed by own explosives on Ali Akilu Road in Kaduna, police spokesman, Abubakar Balpeh says".

* Lagos restricts use of facebook, twitter http://t.co/9hE01Dog".

News Bites 15th Aug 2012

* 20 Nigerians,11 organisations get Productivity Awards http://t.co/ceeUymgF".

* SERIAL KILLINGS: Another cyclist hacked to death in Enugu community http://t.co/v2i5vywU".
* Boko Haram not religious group – Junaid Mohammed http://t.co/13pR2SNm".

* Two Niger State traditional rulers crushed to death http://t.co/kffDvhoi".

* Fake voter-registration in Ondo – INEC http://t.co/5vuJadt9".

* Wada advises Christians against avenging Kogi church attack http://t.co/j50IvOAm".
* NBA asks FG to call Ogoni, Bayelsa govt to order http://t.co/mZ0P8Su8".

* Jos Crisis: Right group seeks ICC's intervention http://t.co/edPYun1r".

* Edo PDP: The centre can no longer hold http://t.co/FNab3G0F" hehehehe!!

* We went to sleep after Atlanta '96 – Falilat Ogunkoya http://t.co/aCPQuORR".

* Nsukka group insists on creation of Adada State http://t.co/jkboBLkl".

* Glo tasks Eagles to make Nigeria proud http://t.co/IiTkfvai" hope dem hear?

* Police Inspector, 2 suspects die in gun duel http://t.co/UU2cTFqF".

* NASA: Five new photos of Mars from Curiosity rover http://t.co/bEb5cF6i".

* Dana crash: Victim's corpse 'disappears' in morgue http://t.co/gNFfqIp9" :/.

* Okupe denies ACN's accusation, points at Ikuforiji http://t.co/85x3CcGI".

* Guinean, Ivorian athletes join defection train http://t.co/i4fPiFof".

* Youths express frustration over situation in Nigeria http://t.co/0JtGA2Pa".

* Woman arraigned for hiring soldiers to beat up co-tenant http://t.co/ZUAKm6HP"

Eating Chocolate

Chukumah was in a taxi eating chocolate,then he took another one and another, there was an old man sitting next 2 him who said

New Bits

* Politics without bitterness in Edo http://t.co/ax9OgxB7". * Stop linking us with Boko Haram, say Fulani herdsmen http://t.co/S1k73Vic". * Alleged witchcraft: Ekiti monarch denies links with woman's death http://t.co/S1iAbqdq". * Resign for peace sake, Lam Adesina urges Jonathan http://t.co/qCvn8BhV". * 'Security votes, hajj sponsorship avenues to steal' http://t.co/tUb9cqm0". * Police can't find $620,000 bribe cash http://t.co/W91LujrM". * Why Northern govs oppose state police http://t.co/OhvWuLtf". * Doctor arrested for allegedly removing patient's kidneys http://t.co/HEb93k7G". * OLYMPICS: "No gold, no silver, no bronze, N2.3 bn down the drain" http://t.co/cDFoRXJO" una dey hear? * Poor funding stalls audit of FG's account http://t.co/PhPkgq4i" :/. * Suspected cultist stabs friend to death in Warri http://t.co/7bZDzwa2". * Police, Army deny manhandling Kogi church attack suspects http://t.co/vwaVYG8r". * Police in Edo arrest bank cashier over NUT chairman's murder http://t.co/iLsprhhO". * Ibadan monarch, elders sent me to dislodge Akala from Govt House – Alli http://t.co/dIH3UJ5k". * Sexual harassment: Ebonyi threatens to sanction lecturers http://t.co/uweMz8Yt". * Police expose sales girl who disappeared with master's N.5m http://t.co/K3oV7SMQ". * 2016 Olympics could be worse – Egbuchunam http://t.co/knjxry8O".pass dis one? * NAFDAC proposes life jail for drug offenders http://t.co/UkIJKHEe" better. * FG sets 5 year rural ICT dev plan through USPF http://t.co/jSLoiOgF".

Where are your kids?

A man ordered for a voice automated car that does anything he tells it to do.
He got the car and started sending it on errands.
He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was tired.
The man agreed.

Complete The Story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

Rice and Beans

Teacher: Construct a sentence
using the words beans and Rice.

Kweku: I ate beans and rice last night for supper.
Sheku: Mom cooked beans for us
this morning
Dan: I just ate rice for lunch.
Dumukpalor: We human rice because We are all human Beans!

ESSAY WRITING BY AKPOS PART 2

The habitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies or mama or maale' for Waffi Dem dey lived in the Sarah Dessert and dey traveling by Camelot

Sleeping on duty

One of our staff went missing for hours and we combed up the place looking for him.

AKPOS WRITES AN ESSAY;

The Bibol is fulled of interesting caricatures

Correct Your English

Afreni was in class and the lecturer noticed that she has been attending this 100 level lecture for like 3yrs now,

Dim Wit

A guy arrived somewhat early from work, when he entered his home, he heard noise from his room and cried out while rushing in.

Stop And Check

Scene I.
Man driving clean car around
Yaba was flagged down @ police checkpoint.

Fans

Armed robbers attacked a bus and the robbers said all Arsenal fans move to the left,

Curses

Wife: hello dear, are you through with your meeting?
Husband: We are done. I'm driving home alone.

Is Play we

Teacher: Chukwudi make a simple sentence with "is"?".

Live Life

Don't live a Champagne life

Capitalization

A man gave out his daughter in marriage in 1995 at a bride price of #10,000 and by 2005 during the banks RE-CAPITALISATION period.

Our Mistress

A Nigerian man and his wife were having dinner at a very nice restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

Shop Trick

Akpos and Aremu Junior were in a store, Junior decided to steal 3 bars of chocolates. As they left the store, Junior said "I am good at stealing did u notice I just stole 3bars of chocolate", Akpos replied "Really ok let's go back to the shop and I will show you how to steal properly.

Message to The Wife

Awesome msg sent by a man to his wife:

Key in the Car

As narrated by a lady:
After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there,
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

Have Left

MATHS TEACHER :

Spell Plantain

TEACHER: " rukevwe, spell plantain".
RUKEVWE: "which of them"?

Total

A new house maid was given a list of what to buy in the market by her madam:

Financial Management

A man with only 20 naira left in his wallet goes to a restaurant and eats a meal of 2,000 naira,

No No No

A guy with a 25-inch p***s went to a native doctor and said; I can't live with this anymore! It's too long. The native doctor replied; Relax! There is a female frog in that swamp.

Lost Money

Aremu Junior got to class late and met the teacher at the door post.
Teacher: Why are u late?
Junior: A man lost #500.

Making Tea

One day Boke's Mum was out, she was home with her dad. She was 2 years old. She had a little 'tea set' (a gift). Dad was engrossd in the news when she brought him a cup of 'tea', just water.

Policeman vs Bus driver

Policeman: Driver, give me your driver's licence.
Driver: Oga OC, I no get driver's licence o.

Argument between a man and his wife

Rope

Chuku mistakenly fell into a deep well, so his wife bought a rope to rescue him,

Confession Time

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

How Great our Fathers are

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

Two Big Girls

Two big girls were gisting:-Toyin: I just got my blackberry, I will buy my pin next week

Journey

Musa is about to embark on a long journey & decides that his wife should wear steel underwear .

Meaning Of Dreams

A woman woke up in d morning and told her husband Fred, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. Do you know what dat means?".

Amnesty

MUM: Akpos dat fish and meat don boil?
AKPOS: yes malee.

Donation

A little girl from Lekki British International School knocked on my door this morning.

Yawa!!!!

Agbami was traveling out of town with his driver to drop him at the airport.

English and Pigdin

ENG: As it is written in the bible.
PIDGIN: As dem yan 4 bible!

Dim Wit

A guy arrived somewhat early from work, when he entered his home, he heard noise from his room and cried out while rushing in.

Right and Wrong

Listen to your elders ADVICE.

Library Book

Ekpomoto went to the Library and asks for the Book "Pyscho The
Rapist".

Crazy Not Equal to Stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Institute of mental health.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

Lesson

At work, Tom and Jack were chatting:

STRETCH MARKS

Ogbologbo's fiancee said to him,
"Now that we are engaged, we should start calling each other pet names".
He asked her, "So what do u want to be calling me?" She said,
"I'll be calling u TIGER".
"Why?" he asked.
"Coz u're handsome, tall, charming, strong,
calculating and smart.

Question Tag

Teacher: Our topic for today is question tag..

The Kind Of Girl

Ogbemu was 32 years old and he was still single.

Suicide

A tenant walked in n saw his landlord's son who was trying to commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued,

One Million For 5 children

Nigerian government announced to pay N1million to all men with 5 kids. A man heard this and said to his wife, Julia, I have a child with my girlfriend let me go and take him so we can add him to our 4 kids.

Child Of God

A man armed wit Ak 47 ran into a church and pointed d gun at d congregation demanding "who is a child of God here, let me send him 2 heaven?

Mind Your Business

How Akpasubi learnt 2 mind his own biz!

Business Student

A shy young guy goes to a bar & sees a beautiful girl sitting alone. He gathers some courage, goes 2 her table & asks: "mind If I sit here beside u?"
She responds loudly: "No! I don't wanna spend the night with u!" Everyone at the bar turns & stares at d guy.
D guy shocked & embarrassed goes back 2 his table

Evolution

​A little girl asked her mother, “How were humans created?”
D Mom answered, “God made Adam& Eve, they had children& so was mankind made.”
2 days l8r d girl asked her Dad d same question.
D Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys 4rm which d human race evolved.”

Finders

Egbunike as coming home last monday evening and found a small bag on the ground. He opened it and found inside $50,000!! Fear 1st caught him, but he took the bag home opened it & found some Documents, ID card, ATM card & an Iphone. He thought about throwing the SIM, documents away & keeping the phone and money.

Fry Egg

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"

Doctor

Junior: Good Morning Uncle.
UNCLE: Ahh! Junior long time. How r u doing?
Junior: I'm ok,thank u. I came looking for admission 2 realise my dream of becoming a doctor. And with ur help Sir, I believe I won't have any difficulty.

My Daddy

"If you had 1 Naira," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another naira and fifty 50, how much money would you have?"
"One Naira." answered Akpors

Whats the Difference

Akpokpoyuibo returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math. "Why?" asked his father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'""But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice."Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

Claiming

I get one friend before wey im mouth b like prophet own, anything the guy yarn dey come true.

Children of Isreal

In sunday school class last sunday morning,
after a very interesting topic.
the teacher asked, "any question?"
a small boy raised up his hand looking very
confused....
Aunty: what is your question Akpos?
Akpos: Aunty, you said the children of israel escaped from egypt?
Aunty: yes,

Photocopy Machine

Mother in-law: My daughter in law am so surprised that my son's children don't look like him. Why?

The Height of Laziness

Boy: Mom, please bring me a glass of water
Mom: Come and get it yourself
Boy: please mom

Escaped

A husband goes out on the town on Friday night and has far too much to drink. When he eventually comes round, he discovers it's Sunday afternoon.

Wings

I saw a one winged Fly on the floor and poured some red bull on it.

DISTINGUISH

Teacher: Akpos, use the word DISTINGUISH in a Sentence.

We Need to Talk

The phrases 'I need to talk to you.'

Four Robbers

Yesterday 4 men Musa, Nasiru, Bala and Adamu go rob one bank. As dem enter, Musa wey carry gun come shout; "Ebri body lie down, if I look me walahi me I go shoot".

Commodity Sellers

chicken seller= Aladiye,
plastic seller= Alabo,

Month Of Ramadan

Ben & John were tired, thirsty & hungry after trekking for 2 days in d Sahara. On day 3 they looked down the hills & saw a town with a mosque.

My small Income

Darling," said Ofili swooning to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

Jealous

Mrs Balogun said to her housemaid:"Oh Lizzy, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

Down by The River

Preacher said:"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river" And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".

Jiggy

A young lad goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

iShag

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.

Single In Heaven

Husband and wife arrive in heaven.....

Is Sex Work

Husband and wife arguing over sex. husband says sex is work and wife says sex is pleasure.

Your Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

Bra size

Panku went to a shop to buy bra for his wife & this conversation ensued
Panku: i Wan buy bra for my wife Seller: ok sir, Abeg What size?
Man: I no Really know o

What's The difference

A professor ask what's the difference among these 3?

Coming From London for a wife

Charles travelled from d UK with hopes of marrying a decent naija babe. So he came to warri and had plans of marrying my neighbor Elohor. He got to a hotel to book a room for them to meet and decided to call Elohor.

The Lady and the Guy's Inbox

These are what you find in a LADY'S INBOX:

1..I luv u dear (Bello)
2..Can i take u out tonite? (Bassey)
3..I always feel bad when I see u with another man (Okoye)
4.. Sweetie don't forget d trip (MD)
5..Darling, av u seen d credit I sent u? (Collins)

Speaking To God

TEACHER fell asleep in Class and AKP0RS walked up to him
Tamuno: "Teacher are u..... Sleeping in class"
TEACHER: "No, i am not sleeping in  class"
Tamuno: "What were u doing Sir"

Send the Text

Atongo gave his fone 2 Ali
Atongo: Please send a text 2 my

How Much you love me

GIRL TO BOY: Tell me how much you love me baby….

Johnny's Chick

Teacher asks Johnny what you want to be when you grow up?

Happy Birthday Tuyu

Conversation between Jona & Pat:

Jona: I wonder what's going on next door.
Pat: It's a birthday party!

I dey look you sincee

A man and his wife were sleeping. The man started dreaming of heaven. Here is what happened there with the angel: Man and angel were going as dey reached the first gate of heaven, the man told the angel he wants to urinate, the angel said,we don't allow dat here but i permit you.

Confessions Of A Lady

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I... shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly; Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

Responsible Guy

Ejiro: I'm sorry I can't date u, I need a responsible guy.

Encyclopedia for Sale

FOR SALE Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45volumes.

Obituary

An Igbo Business man went 2 publsh his Wife's obituary in d local paper. They told him its N1000 a word. He only had N4,000 so he askd dem 2 put in "Ngozi Chukwuma is Dead".

Where are you from?

Akpos went to LONDON and visited a pub. He had a few drinks and then noticed 2 large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so he asks "Hey, are you too ladies from Scotland?"

Nurse Titi

2 doctors complained That nurse titi was so dumb she gave every prescription backwards doc. A: last week I told her 2 give a patient 2mg of Percocet every 10hrs.

Pub in London

Akpos went to LONDON and visited a pub. He had a few drinks and the noticed 2 large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so he asks "Hey, are you too ladies from Scotland?"

The Son Of

Akpos was doing his maths
homework. He said to himself,"
Two plus five, the son of a bitch
is seven. Three plus six, the son
of a bitch is nine, " His mother
heard what he was saying and
gasped, "What are you doing Akpos?"
Akpos answered, "I'm
doing my maths homework,

My Children are More Foolish Than Yours.

Mr James and his friend Mr Okoh were arguing about their sons stupidity. Mr James argued that his son was more foolish than Okoh's son. Okoh however disagreed, so they decided to put their sons to test.

Who does He Choose

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

Construction Time

A White Man visited Nigeria for the first time and was taken round the city of abuja by A taxi driver. They drove past an edifice that looked like the World Trade Centre.

Milk Strength

They say milk gives you strength so Kpeku drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall,

When did you Realise

Judge said to prostitute "so when did u realise u were raped"

Angry Husband

Angry husband not satisfied with his wife sent an SMS to his Mother-in-Law:

Going to Heaven

A House girl went to Church for sunday service and the pastor ask the church, " If you know you want to go to Heaven raise up your hand" everybody did except the girl.

Name for twins

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor 'bout her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Constable Tunde

Sanya went to the Police Station and saw Constable Tunde reading a Bible..

The Thief Machine

In Japan they invented a machine That catches thieves; they took it 2 different countries 4 a test.

Jumping Up and Down

A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot.

Out of Curiousity

I saw Musa wrapping his phone with a hanky, out of curiousity,

Because of You

A man loses everything coz of his drinking habit...this evening he saw empty bottles on the bar table...

junior Please chop

A woman was on a bus wit her 1 yr old son, she offered him snacks, "Junior u want chin chin, I will give this man next 2 me".

Low Battery( The caller of the year)

Okpelenge saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".

Police Call

Got a text from a friend,saying robbers attacked their area last night, she called the police,credit then finished,den.......(Wait for it)

What Would You have?

Teacher: Akpos, if you put your hand in one trouser pocket and found 70 Naira, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 Naira, what would you have?

What's Your Major?

Interviewer: ' Mr Dapo how are you today?.
Dapo: 'It is fine sir'.

Solve The Equation

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)".

Do You want to Go To Heaven?

A House girl went to Church for Sunday service and the pastor ask the church, " If you know you want to go to Heaven raise up your hand"

Dear Teasher

Dear Teasher,Please I not like how you gived my children 2 over 10 in the English ezam.

She Wont Speak

A drunk came home very late and sat on the Door step for thirty minutes trying to figure out what to tell his harsh and super strict wife the reason for his lateness.

Getting in The House

A very drunk man was struggling to open his room door with his key.....as he staggers left & right.

Whos is that person

Speaker: "Best Yrs of My Life was spent in d Arms of a Woman hu wasn't MY WIFE!" Audience was in Shock. He said: MY MOTHER. Applause!

Another Birthday Gift

A man asked his girlfriend, 'Where do you want to go for your birthday?

Birthday Gift

A guy's girlfriend was hinting about what she wanted for her birthday.

Who Wants To be A millionaire

A guy and his fiancee were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

The Recruits

Three men answered and ad for CIA agents. The ad stated the men were to bring their wives. The first man was called in for the interview.

Job Interview

At a Job interview,d manager asked a young man just out of UNILAG, Wat salary r u looking at? The chap said In d range of N20m/yr, depending on benefits

Book Keeping

A Guy walks into a job center and the highest pay job was 7 pounds an hour. And it was for a bookkeeping position. He calls the employer;

Landing In London

Five men from Benue State, Nigeria landed at Heathrow Airport.

My Boss

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

Which Book

A bookseller conducting market survey asked a woman:

Dad joined facebook.

kid's status update:- "Dad on fb.. wtf!!!!

Confession Time

A guy went on date with a hot babe in a Ferrari
Guy: I hid something from you.

Facebook Wedding Status

AT A RECENT WEDDING:
PRIEST: Do you agree to change your facebook status to married...?

Special Package

An airline introduced a special package for business men.

Frenzy in The kitchen

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Thats My Son

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered.

Pawa Pawa

Sister Ejiro begin sing " he's a miraku working God" see dance plus clapping.

I love you

A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.

But I adore You

He told her: "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you".

Our Problem

Husband: I have a problem at the office.
Wife: we are married & never say I have a problem, say we have a problem.

Please Buy me Milk

A wife says to her husband, 'Could you please go to the store for me & buy a carton of milk?

Crying at the Beach

A man was seated on the beach looking very sad.”What’s the matter, Desmond?”

Playing Dress Up

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson.

Nigerian parents are funny

Nigerian parents are funny

Whats Your Opinion

An 80yr old man says to his doctor: My 28yr old wife is pregnant,

I suspect

Mrs Balogun said to her housemaid:"Oh Lizzy, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

Can You Help me

A Beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy inside a plane......

Senior Citizen BMW

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car sales room. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh;

Correct Your English

There was girl in a class and the lecturer noticed that she has been attending this 100 level lecture for like 3yrs now,

Rasaki's Duty

Rasaki's duty as a driver was to take oga to his office then madam to her shop.

Sermon for next Week

A Pastor told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach on the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

Familiar Face

A RICH woman in Traffic signaled to a BEGGAR : “I have seen you somewhere, u look so familiar”....

Wetin You for be

Boy sitting in front of a danfo bus said loudly to himself  “if my dad was a king & my mum a queen would be a prince,

What Do you See

An illiterate Dad wit his educated son went on a camping trip. They setup their tent & fell asleep.

Library Book

Akpabio went to the library and asks for a book on suicide.

Casket Maker

Chidi who makes caskets was going to deliver 1 of his coffins wen his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put d coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

The great dissapointment

My trip to England has been a disappointment, the shops here love to deceive!

Zebra Crossing

Tina was on a Lagos zebra crossing & nearly got hit

Restaurant Order

A guy and his girlfriend went to a restaurant.

Broken down lift

3 Friends Lived in a Flat on the 110th floor. One day the lift was out of order & they had 2 climb the stairs to go to 110th Floor.

Speak Now Or

On her wedding day,d pastor asked d usual question "anyone who feels dis couple shouldn't b joined in holy matrimony should speak or forever remain silence"...

Suitcase Of Money

Id & Ayo are two beggars in d UK, Ayo comes home with £10 in loose change, Id always comes back with a suitcase filled with £10 notes.

Police Line up

Police in Lagos, had good luck with Akpors, a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

Dearest Susan

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement.
Simply devastated. Won't u please consider coming back 2 me?

The great Liar

There was this guy that was always lying to his girlfriend,

Same Colour Briefs

A Wife buys 2 dozen man's briefs of the same colour on sale. Husband protests

Going To Market

TEACHER- who can make a sentence with GO?
Akpos- Me sir.
TEACHER- ok.

Nothing is impossible Apply wisdom

Dad: I want u 2 marry a gal of my choice.Son: no
Dad: She is Bill gates daughter.

Test on the High Sea

An American, An Englishman & a Nigerian where on a ship.

Without Poo

2 Sharks Swimming in Ocean saw people of a Sunken ship.

Father Shark: Follow me, son, 1st we swim around dem a few times with the tip of our fins showing"
&They did Well done son! Now we swim around dem a few more times with all of fins & teeth showing & They did.

Young Pilot

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies.

Beans Things

Since dem say Boko Haram dey poison Beans, Zubulu come get half bag 4house, he tell dem to prepare beans porridge.

Point and Kill (Picture Of The Day)

Phone Call Help

One March evening, the boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

Bible Scriptures

A pastor was packing his belongings leaving Kano 4 lagos because of Boko Haram atrocities.
One of his members saw him and asked him: "But Pastor the Bible says 'no weapon fashioned against us shall prosper'".

Philosophy of Life!

A boat is docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took to catch them."Not very long." they answered in unison.'Why did you not stay out longer and catch more?'The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'.

Change The Subject

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

Geography Lesson

The geography teacher entered the class and the children greeted in chorus: “Good morning, sir.”

Scatter Ground

Ekaete and Akpos dey scatter fight outside
examination hall........
Other classmates dey shout "wetin happen na! wetin happen na!".

What's in a Name?

The Yoruba's will gleefully refer to FOLAYEMI's Mum as either Mama Fola or Iya Yemi. No problem for FUNMILOLA if people call her mother Mama Funmi or Iya Lola.

Angel

Kid said: why do u always say that my brother is an angel?

Heart Transplant

A Yoruba man needed a heart  transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his  blood and needed the same blood type in case the need arises. Because the  gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So  the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, an Igbo man was  located who had the same type and was willing to donate his blood to the Yoruba man.  After the surgery, the Yoruba man sent the Igbo man a thank-you card for giving his  blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of  his appreciation.

Airplane

A plane was transporting a bunch of madmen from naija to a well facilitated psychiatry in south africa n they were making so much noise.
one of the madmen enterz da Pilots cabin....

Two Men

Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?
Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes.

Sleep Around

A man missed his wife who travelled so much that he felt the matrimonial bed was too big for just him and decided to sleep on the sofa, dining chair and sometimes, in d library.

Subtraction And Addition

Father: Uzo what is 1+1?

Tissue Paper

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

Black And Yellow

Girl: I like your teeth.
Boy: cool, thanks.

Thinking Of Girls

Paul's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :"Paul seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "

Wife Of Who

Wife: stupid man.....
Husband: stupid man wife.....

Papa Ehi's Heart Transplant

Doctor Itoya performed heart transplant on Papa Ehis and he went back to see him.
Papa Ehis : "Doctor ever since my heart transplant I always think of sex, money and more sex. Have I grown younger?".

By Fire By Force

Wedding By Fire. LOL

Tech Support Logic

One of the company's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

You Got Mail

Agbo was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor Mrs. Ogbologbo came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the she went.

Whatever He says

I get one friend before wey im mouth b like prophet own, anything the guy yarn dey come true.

Together At Last

She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children. At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”

Animals on Facebook

IF ANIMALS HAD Facebook, THESE ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE THEIR STATUS UPDATES:

Chances of Survival

Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :- Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,  dont demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

The Waiting Room

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!"

Dwarf Hair

A man walks up to a woman in the office and says, 'your hair smells nice.'

Committees Setup

Obama to Jonathan..'Mr President, why are there so many committees in Nigeria?.

Do Not Urinate Here

Mr. Tamuno's house was situated at the corner of the street and passersby always used to urinate on his fence. The smell got so bad that they had to close the windows of the house always.

The Taxi Ride

A naked lady ran into an Igbo man's taxi. She told the driver where she was going. The lgbo man didn't start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again. The lady saw him and said: what's ur problem man??

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all
of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his
money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die,
 I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
 with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
 me.'

If I have......

Math teacher: I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other, what do I have?

Where Is Your Home Work

Teacher:Where is your home work?

Concentrate On your Studies

TEACHER :- Akpos, who is the president of Togo?

Akpos :- Aunty I don't know oh..

Walking on Water

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Wetin You carry

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.
Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

The Photo shop Fiasco

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! Kpefu went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and - while the

Who is the culprit

A guy with a gun enters a bar.

What do you know exactly

An American and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The American is thinking that Nigerians are so dumb that he can fool them easily. . .
So he asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game.
The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The American persists and says that the game is fun.

Your Pass Mark

A 6year old boy was looking at his mum's National ID card.
It's written on it............
Name ~ Matilda Sackey.
Age ~ 35.
Sex ~ F.

Consolation Fee

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

I make you feel guilty

Akpos asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you". The girl answered with a loud voice I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!". All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was embarrassed.

My birthday Gift Love

Girlfriend: where is my birthday gift? I can't wait to see it.

Sun Of My Life

Girl: Do you want to be the sun of my life?
Boy: of course!

Switch

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

I Am In Love

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.

Let's Do Comparisms

Teacher: Ok class, let's show the principal & our guests how much we've learnt so far dis year!

Let's do comparisions…So I say small, U say small, smaller, smallest..

I want to buy petrol

Patrick Obayaigbon drives into a petrol station in his sleek, state of the art range rover sports:
Patrick: guy, abeg give me full tank
Attendant: I only speak english,sir

Radio Request

(On a radio programme being aired live)...... my name is Femi Otedola, I will like to make a special shout out to my very good friend, Honorable Farouk Lawan, he is presently residing at the force headquarters in Abuja. Kindly play "Chop my money" by P-square for his enjoyment this evening.

Where will it take you.

Mama osas after thoroughly beating him for stealing, observed the boy was without any form of remorse and was still grumbling.

The IIl's Of Alchohol

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.

Birthday Gift

Emeka : "Akpos, what are you going to give Celestina on her birthday?"
Akpos : "Na futuball I go give am"

Office Temp

John: Your secretary is very sexy...! Tom: Thanks! It's a robot actually, named "Monica".

Something New

After 20 years of marriage, Mr and Mrs Akpos were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

Take Nonsense

A man was discussing with his wife when he said

Respectful Girls

Yoruba girls have respect & show appreciation when given a gift!

Song Dedication

After Church Hour, a boy called FM radio station & said;

Tamuno Goes to write Jamb Exam

Tamuno go write Jamb, when time for english reach, e begin spy one fine babe wey siddon near am.

Currency units

TEACHER : Students, please name some units of currency

Bury The Money with Me

Mr Chukwudi was a very stingy rich Fellow. On his death bed he told his ever faithful wife Adaku he had one last request.

Master Question

A girl asks a guy...

URGENT JOB VACANCY!!!!

If you are over 30, smart and intelligent, you have a valid ID and excellent university result.
You can Speak either English, Yoruba or Igbo, you are looking for a 9am-4pm job, with net salary of N35.5million p.a., weekly allowance of $2500 USD.

Pass English

Boyfriend: "Baby I heard you failed English at 'O' Level"

BB Update

Kuburat got hit by a car & was immediately rushed to the hospital...

Whisper

   Emeka called out to his mum,"mummy,mummy

    I want to wee.................."

Singles In Heaven

Husband and wife arrive in heaven.....

Girl with Skills

Show Your Card

A texas department of water representative stopped at a ranch and talked wit an old rancher. he told the rancher, I need to inspect ur ranch for ur water allocation.

BREAKING NEWS

Bill Gates has resigned as the Chairman of Microsoft after receiving a letter from Akpos.

Give According to The Beauty

A pastor ask the men in his congregation to give an offering according to the beauty of their wives!

Solve The Problem

A teacher wrote on the board: 38x+y^2/3.5x^3*(66y-12x)=0.

Its going down tonight

A therapist gathered a group of married inmates at Olodo Community School auditorium this morning.
Once everyone was seated he proceeded with his survey.

See Correct Fathers

Akpos' father accompanied him to his school end of the year award party. As they sat
watching and amidst great shouts and loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the
podium for their award presentation. The following conversation ensued:

Does that Mean you can?

Sales girl: sorry sir u can't smoke here.
Man: but I bought dis cigarette from ur shop.

Have a Baby

Akpos asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby.

Picking My calls

A Jamaican Rastaman went to the hospital for treatment on his badly burnt ears, where the following transpired:!

That's the boss

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

Potential and Reality

A young boy asked dad:wots the difference btw potential and reality?

Confession Time

A couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to wife "Mama Emeka, we are about to Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

Saved You Money

Akpos walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

Arithmetic

Rukevwe stopped by the corner store and read the following list to the attendant:

New Monkey Business!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced that he would buy monkeys for N10. The villagers went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at N10.

Stupid Answers to Stupid Questions

1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?

Ans: No! I ’m training to die.!!

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.

A man comes in and asks the farmer,

"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer says,

"Some things you just can't explain."

Nigerian Sense of Humour

The sense of humor of the average Nigerian knows no bounds even in challenging times! Below is a  list of suggestions for Mr President, sequel to the recent renaming of Unilag.

Who Can Answer My Question?

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

Room With a View

Mrs. Richards: I asked 4 a room with a view
Basil Fawlty: As far as I can remember This is the view out of the window

How Much do you Love me.

Girl: how much do you love me?

Boyfriend: I love u so much, I can't measure.

Pump Action

little Rukevwe comes back from the school crying.

All Idiots Stand up!!

Teacher: All idiots stand up.
Akpos stood up.

Robbers

Two bank robbers:

Future Payment

A motorist Akpos was driving by a farm in Ogun, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. Akpos went to the owner of the calf (baba Risi) and explained what had happened.

Spoilt For Choice

I just witnessed this conversion between a flight executive and a passenger on a flight.
Flight Executive: Would you like something to drink Sir? Some Juice perhaps?
Passenger: Yes Please!
Flight Executive: would you also like some wine to go with your meal Sir?
Passenger: Yes.
Flight Executive: Red or white?
Passenger: Red Please!
Flight Executive: South African or French?
Passenger: French

Name Change

After dipping Akpos three times in water, Bro Peter said to him, "You are now a new creature, your name is no longer Akpos but Paul.
From now onwards, You don't eat meat, our church eats only fish!!!

What Do You Want to Drink?

Rich people and dia wahala, a friend went to visit his babe frm a very rich family. D maid approached him & asked MAID: what would u lyk to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
My guy: tea pls.
MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea?
My guy:Ceylon tea pls. MAID: how do u want it, black or white?
My guy: white. ...

What do you think I am?

Wife says 2 husband:
Wife: Come help with the garden.
Husband: What do u think I am?a gardener?
Wife: Come fix the toilet faucet.

River Bank

Girl Friend texts Boy Friend: Baby, where are you?

Boy Friend: I'm at d bank.

Give am

3 rats were arguing about who had much swag and efizzy..

Rat Radio

Shehu took his radio for repairs. When the radio was opened, a rat jumped out and ran away.

Principal

Boy: That principal na real big mumu guy.
Girl: u know who I be?

Preggers

A man's wife was eight months into her Pregnancy, the husband had to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while.

Busted

Gbade had been cheating on his wife with her best friend & colleague "funke". One friday, he tells his wife he has 2 travel 4 3 days on an official. Unknown 2 his wife, he had made special arrangements 2 go on a romp with Funke. On getting home after day 3, he finds only his kids & maid & was told mummy hasn't been back since he left 4 his trip on friday.

Gorrilla

A married couple at the Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour?

Spring Break

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Sayings of The Unwise

A rolling stone na person kick am.

Strike while the iron is hot and e go burn your hand

A bird in your hand go shit for your hand.

Take the bitter with the sweet so you no go get Jedi jedi.

There is plenty fish in the sea. But you be fisherman?

A stitch in time go saw your cloth.

Make hay to feed your animals.

The show must go on or you go lose money.

Silence is golden. Abeg give me Money.

Two wrongs mean say you fail am twice.

Two's company, Three's a crowd abeg wey the party.

Half bread is better than full chicken.

CIA Agents

Three men answered and ad for CIA agents. The ad stated the men were to bring their wives.

I Too Sabi

1.Sylvia says....Waiter...,pls I like my SALAD very hot,also,can I've 2 bottles of SHAWARMA.

2.Nneka says.....Ore mi give me your PIN lemme call u.

Wedding During Election

Bro Deolu had deliberately fixed his wedding to Sis Kiru on April 2nd 2011(elections day) because he couldn't afford to cater for a crowd.

Chief Regular

Chidozie works hard at the office but spends two nights each week working out at the gym, & playing golf every Saturday n Sunday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she chooses to surprise him & takes him to a very popular strip club.

Colour Blocking (Photo of The Day)

So Far So Good

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.

Hearing Aid Danger

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

Only in America

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY. This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina. .

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

Plane Engineers

Gombe State University Engineering professors were called and asked to sit in an air plane.

Cool It (Picture Of The Date)

Porsche Charger

Simbi lost her Blackberry porshe  & after some days she decided to call her number to see if somebody will be honest enough to pick the call.

Porsche Matter

Babe: baby do u still luv me like before?
Guy: yes luv! My luv for u will never change.
Babe: dats my babyyyy
Babe: I want u to buy me somtin.

New Pastor

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote
"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

Coloured Briefs

A Wife buys 2 dozen man's briefs of the same colour on sale.

Conversations With Just Questions

Nigerians can have full conversations with just questions:

Where Ever you!!

So this sweet chick Uju sent this text 2 her Guy Emeka.

We are surrounded

Second Mate: "Sir, We're surrounded!"

School Ahead

Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Lady Please

Adele: "I set fire to the rain!"

The Birds Said

Dad: "A bird told me you are doing drugs."

Pre schoolers

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

What A story.

Do you know this?

A wife went on holiday leaving d husband behind. The husband got so was feeling frisky one day that he decided to try the maid who had just come from Nsukka Village and who seemed clever.

The Bus Ride

A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.

What do you have Left.

TEACHER: Akpos, wat is 4+4?

AKPOS: Aunty, I nor know.

Your Drink

Two guys, a Briton and an American were sitting together with one Hausa lady at a Bar in Abuja, and waiting to be served.

Forged Cheque

Alhaji Sambo lost his cheque booklet & went 2 d bank. d bank manager said 2 him,

Chief Lucky

​​​​​Chief Lucky: Hello is that Nondon?
Phone Operator: Yes.

Troy And Abed Spanish 101

Elephant and Camel

So... the elephant says to the camel

Love Surgery

After a long night of making love,d guy noticed a photo of another man on d woman's bedside table. He begins 2 worry???

Help Me

A Beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy inside a plane......The lady said to him ' Can you help me to remove something from my bosom?

Vacation for my son

Phone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Atutopuyoyo Elementary," answers the principal.

Sugar Free

Zaniab went to a shop in UK, picked up a Ribena and a Bag of Sugar,

Working Late

A secretary came angrily out of her boss' office,colleague asked-what happened??

My relatives

A couple went out together and had a quarrel on their way home.

Fat Runs

Me: "You're fat."

Facebook Like

Police: "Ma'am, your Husband has been involved in an accident. We need you to come and identify the
body."

Prayer Point

In a singles convention a prayer point was raised" that singles should pray for their heart desires". A lady prayed,"oh lord I don't want to marry a short man.

Pick Your Picture

A Nigerian soldier was deployed to Borno from Warri. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend, Rukewe. In the letter, she explained that while he was away she had slept with 2 guys

The High of Disappointment

The High of Disappointment.....

EBAY SCAM ALERT.....BE CAREFUL!

My friend Stuart went on ebay and spent £900 for

Peace

Peace didn't come from a 'posh' background, but always tried hard to give the impression that her family was rich and she was brought up with a 'silver spoon' in her mouth.

The New Alphabet

A- Apple B- Blackberry C- Chatting D- Download E- Email F- Facebook G- Google H- HP I- Iphone.

Old Woman

An old woman inside a bus headin 2 lagos 4rm calabar shoutd @ d driver "Oga, if u reach benin tell me o!

Driving in Warri

Okrima was driving in warri one day. It got dark & he discovered dat his headlights were no longer working.

Are You Relaxing?

One day Ogbologbo was enjoying the sun at the beach. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Ogbologbo answered, "No, I am Ogbologbo." Another guy came and asked him the same question.

Offering

A pastor ask d men to put offering according to their wives beauty! One man put 5 naira! Haba!

Go Shopping

Obi: Chi I taught we agreed on a date today?
Chinwe: I'm not feeling well.

Where Are you?

Eboka's missus rang him earlier and said "where the hell are you?"...

Soap

A pupil asked his teacher "Aunty, if I add OmO & Ariel detergent powder together, will it still produce bubbles?"

Keke Chariot (Picture Of The day)

The Slap

A HR Manager, His Assistant, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Traveling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends... The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark...

In The tree

A man wanted to end his life by hanging himself on a tree.

Bridge Anyone

A man walking along a California beach and came across a genie . The genie offered him one wish alone.
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

I Wear The Pants

Adamu was going to be married to Fatima
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Adamu, let me tell you something.

Love me no more

Wife: You don't make love to me anymore

Doesn't Pay

A man went into the bar with his wife.

CSI Las Gidi (Photo Of The Day)

The Greek Gift

Zeus the Greek god was flying over Ancient Greece when he spotted a gorgeous woman naked washing herself.

Negative

A man went for HIV test in a hospital on friday and was told to come back on monday for the result...

Get Out

A pastor was praying for a man possessed with a demon.

Mama Chidi

Man told his wife he heard their next door neighbour had slept wit all the women in their compound,

Bates Family

Larry Bates was introducing his family to an acquaintance..

Facial Surgery

Chukwu was in a very thoughtful mood. Emeka saw him and asked him, "what is the problem"?

Moon

One day the teacher was talking about marriage in class

Naked robber

Last week friday staff of a bank in calabar where shocked when a man walked in naked into the bank and went straight to the vault and started packing money.

Naija Light

Obama came to Nigeria for an official visit. He was with Goodluck on the balcony at Aso Rock. Suddenly, NEPA took light all over Abuja .

Use a Word

Stressing the importance of good vocabulary, the teacher told her teenage charges; "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

Maths Pocket

Teacher: "If you dip your hand into the left pocket of your shorts, and take out a 500 naira note,

N and D

Julius Malema recently bought a new automatic car. He drives the car perfectly well during the day but at night the car just won't move.

Mental Hospital

During a visit to a mental hospital a Journalist asked the Director “How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?” Director:

Men Clap

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.10 men and 1 woman.

Mama chicken

A naija man travelled to Italy & entered a Restaurant & wanted 2 order chicken but he couldn't remember what chicken Was called in Italian.

Not Addressed To You

Malema and his bodyguards are making letter bombs.
One of the bodyguards: "I'm not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it."

Making A Baby

There is not one dirty word in it, yet its hilarious!

A Couple, Suresh and Reeta Sharma,in the US., were unable to conceive  and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

Ghetto Jacuzzi (Photo Of The Date)

Little Boy's Prayer

At dinner, a little boy Kanu was ordered to lead in prayer.
KANU: But I don't know what to pray?
DAD: Just pray for your family members.

Lincoln

Teacher : what happened in 1809?

LASTMA Popo

A man went to the vet with his dog. When driving back he beat a red light and before he could say jack LASTMA and police jumped into the back of his car.

Knocker

A Girl Posts An Ad In Newspaper For Her Life-Partner:
"Need A Person Who Never Leaves Me, Never Beats Me & Can Satisfy Me On Bed."

Know Know

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!

Kasali

Kasali saw an kai kai bottle at Oshodi he rubbed it to clean and a Genie popped out of the Bottle. "I will grant u one wish" says the genie.